Monthly Archives: July 2011

Holy Babies Batman

I am not anti-children. I must lead with that.BUT, children annoy me, pregnancy freaks me out, and the actual “delivery” terrifies me. I’ve heard the horror stories. Ripping. Immense pain. Not to mention that whole thing when you shit yourself during the delivery. Ugh. Just ugh. Recently, I’ve discovered this baby phenomenon via Facebook. It’s like girls I grew up with all drank a batch of tainted Kool-Aid at the same time and are knocking out these kids left and right. IT FREAKS ME OUT. I don’t want anything to do with it. Don’t ask me to babysit. Don’t ask me if I want to see the 4,000 new pictures you took of your offspring – they all look the same. And don’t ask me if I want to do baby/children related activities. I would rather drink an entire bottle of vodka and flirt with alcohol poisoning than hear another story about your child that I don’t give a shit about.Most of these babies are cute. I’ll say it. I’m sure you love them – but I will slit my wrists the long way the next time you compare/spout off about how awesome the love of a parent for their child is.

I am not a soul-less monster – but this is how I feel. Babies? Womb creatures? Small children? Nonsense. I can’t see what’s going on in that pregant belly. It moves. It kicks. Ugh. What is it thinking? I don’t want to be around your kid until it can speak to me like an adult and handle the insults I will throw its way.

Seacrest out.