Monthly Archives: December 2011

Things I Fucking Hate: Updated


thought i would do a quick update because these two things have been bothering me since last friday.  while making/decorating massive amounts of balls with G – we watched eight hours of the food network, during which i was subjected to two shows that i will forever refuse to watch from here on out.

Down Home With the Neelys –
it’s terrible.  while viewing the show, i feel that there is a strong possibility that the two are going to start fucking each other at any moment. 
it’s frightening. 
and i shouldn’t be made to sit on the edge of my seat with the remote balanced precariously in my hand should the need to frantically change the channel arise.  not to mention they say “ya’ll” far more than any person should ever be allowed to and it makes me want to punch a baby.

here they are eye-fucking each other.

ugh. foreplay.

here he's taking her from behind.

$10 Dinners with melissa d’arabian –
she’s a lying fucking bitch.  cook a dinner like a normal person.  a normal person that doesn’t have a pantry stocked with the most ridiculous things known to man.  no one has mass amounts of frozen shrimp stockpiled in their freezer or fancy ground coffee beans to whip up a dessert.  it should be a show about the last $10 you have in your checking account and you have to make a gourmet meal out of a package of ramen noodles.  

just add the expensive spices you should keep on hand!

this just made me smile.

i found this.  there are others that feel like i do about sweet melissa. 

also, lincoln has been whistling a lot more lately.  which leads me to believe he actually does read this.

dick.

Tagged , ,

Live and Die by the Stars in the Sky


G sent me my horoscope from the journal sentinel this morning:

“friends surprise you with the kind of news that leaves your momentarily speechless while your brain searches for the right thing to say.  it’s probably better not to say much.  being present and willing to listen will be enough”.

nobody tell me anything. 
mainly because i don’t care. 
plus, lincoln always chastises me because sometimes i say something with a certain intention and it comes out the complete opposite way.  that’s the nice way of putting it.  he usually means, “just because you don’t set out to be a bitch doesn’t mean you’re not being an actual bitch about it.” 
which is totally true.  so once again, nobody tell me anything.  because i find it hard to stay quiet.  and i’ll probably be a raging bitch.

after G sent me that i was in the horoscope mood.  so i checked msn:
 
“The horizon is clouded with doubt. You’re feeling the frustrations brought about by recent decisions about your love life. In other words, you’re getting cold feet! Today you must draw on your willpower and self-control in order to face your problems realistically while vanquishing your anxieties.
 
i guess lincoln and i should break up.  that’s probably not what the horoscope means, but it’s early and i’ve only had  one cup of coffee and i’m not equipped to process anything deeper and i saw the phrase “you’re getting cold feet” and that’s where my mind went. 
even though we’re not engaged or anything like that.
in fact, last night lincoln played video games till 1AM.  i’m not sure why some females are annoyed by gaming.  i embrace it. 
 
lincoln gaming = lincoln leaving me alone.
 

this just makes me laugh.

also, i’m not sure what “today’s sun reading” means but here’s today’s.  and i like it.

“Get ready to enjoy many special, positive experiences, thanks to the morning Moon sextile Pluto. You rise to the occasion in every one. Singles, be social go out tonight and meet lots of new people. Couples mutually feel that life is going just the way they want it to.”

i don’t like anything else other than the phrases “sextile Pluto” and “rise to the occasion”  because i think they go hand in hand.  but i don’t know what “sextile Pluto” means.  and since it’s “sextile Pluto” and singles should be social and “meet lots of new people” i’m going to assume that means have sex with lots of new people.

here’s a picture of michael flatley:

lord of the dance.

 

Martha Motherfucking Stewart


i’ve been sewing. 

and i’m happy to report that i still have all of my fingers and they haven’t been sewn together.  so in my opinion – even if i didn’t have anything to show for my endeavors – i’m still winning.

so here’s my baby. 
i haven’t named her yet.  i’m taking suggestions.

she's so damn good looking.

i’ve been to joann fabrics two, too many times and spent far too much money. 
it may or may not be my new favorite place.

some of my haul.

here are my first two projects.  they took me forever.  mainly because i’m terrible at re-threading the machine and have to have lincoln do it for me. 
he gets real annoyed. 

here's a placemat i'll never use. but it's cute.

 
 

a seat cushion for my ass. because that chair is damn uncomfortable.

 
i’ve been mildly successful.  and i like that.
i’ve got a lot on my list of things to make.
curtains.
potholders.
pillowcases.
more placemats.
weird things for the cat to wear.
 
the opportunities are endless.  well.  there is a limit.  because i’m not good and my projects still tend to look like shit.
Tagged , , ,

On The Night You Were Born


your mother and i reminisced about that time we had sex and conceived you. 

like these polar bears:

i resisted the urge to buy this children's book today.

Four Goddamn Hours Later


i embarked on a sewing machine project this afternoon.  it took me four hours.  and this is all i have to show for it:

it would be great if you voted.  that way i know the temperature of the crowd and i can go in that creative direction for my next projects.

Tagged , , ,

And Now I’m a 1950s Housewife.


you realize priorities have changed when you receive xmas presents like these and are simply over the moon excited about them.

heavenly.

lincoln is going to get a lot fatter.

i’ll be doing some badass decorating.

as i received these gifts and declared it the best xmas ever i realized that i felt like a 1950s housewife and i’m strangely ok with that.  i’m going to make so much cool shit. in other news.  this is why i love my family:

and this is why i love my family A LOT:

wheelchair tricks and cigars.

all in all, it’s been a good holiday.  i’m glad it’s over.  and i’m thrilled it will be another year until it happens again.

i do have one complaint.  i wanted one thing and i didn’t get it.  i just wanted to stop menstruating.

it didn’t happen.

it has been happening for 24 days.  death.

Tagged ,
balls, bowel movement, canines, christmas gifts, nonsense, pussy

This Has Next to Nothing to Do With the Holidays.


ahhh the holidays.  a few thoughts come to mind: stressed, drunk, broke, exhausted, etc.

like most people, Lincoln and i have to cram 37 x-mas’ into two days. 

it’s always a treat. 

here’s some photos that capture my xmas eve:

phase 1 of the destruction of my kitchen is complete.

motherfucking mini cheesecakes

packaging my delicious treats.

mah balls.

color shot of mah balls.

suspicious dog.

slightly more normal dog.

i got you some pussy for xmas.

these are my brother's grades. i find one class to be the oddest.

 also, i took a shit this morning.

it’s an xmas miracle.

constipation, debauchery, friendship, nonsense

Textual Feeling: B Gets The Runs


b: you eat nothing but salads, you get constipated.  i eat nothing but salads, i can’t keep anything in.  what the fuck?

me: serves you right.  enjoy the runs.

b: hey, fuck you.  i’ve been nothing but sympathetic towards you since you began your whole diet experience.  besides, i just wanted to keep you in the loop.

me: keep me in the loop?  with your poop?  that rhymes.  i’m hilarious.

b: you’re something allright.  not quite sure if hilarious is the right word though.

me: hysterical, perhaps?

b: you are thinking on the wrong end of the spectrum, my dear.  start heading more towards evil wench.

me: i’d prefer evil witch.

b: wench is more accurate.

me: why can’t i be a witch?

b: because witches aren’t as whorish.

me: what about sarah jessica parker from hocus pocus?  she was a slut.

b: she’s not real.

me: you’re a real downer.

b: just trying to bring you down to where you bring me.

me: if you’re trying to make me feel bad about myself it’s not working.  mainly because i’ve been thinking about otters all day.

b: i would never try to make you feel bad about yourself.  i feel bad enough about you for the both of us.

me: when you’re ready to play nice we can continue this conversation.  in the meantime – enjoy this picture:

i realize this otter is a repeat, but it's delicious. and it's trick or treating.

 

America, culinary school, holiday cheer, meatloaf, nonsense

Best Motherfucking Xmas. Ever.


tis better to give then to receive.

i just think i’m bad at accepting gifts.  because when people give me something extremely nice it makes me feel uncomfortable.  and then i feel bad that they probably spent a lot of money on me.  and then i worry about appreciating it enough and end up feeling like i’m not appreciating it like i should considering how much they probably spent on it.  which is why i don’t have nice things.  and which is why i love when people give me socks as gifts.

but this christmas has officially become the best ever.

because my manager got me this:

i'm so happy i could cry.

i will not be working the second job tonight because i’m going to go home and have a meatloaf extravaganza. 

pictures to follow.

cults, john goodman, nonsense, red state, shot gun

Textual Feeling: Red State. Not To Be Confused With My Menstrual Cycle


B: so, i see you finally watched red state.

me: good god.  i wish he was my pastor.

B: that dude was way fucked up.  such a great movie.

me: totally.

B: yeah, Milton shot that one guy.

me: i couldn’t take him seriously.  not from office space or from when the pastor laid into him and started talking about feces on his scrotum.

B: i can’t ever take him seriously with any character after office space or dodgeball.

me: what i will commend the loonies for is containing the bloody mess with saran wrap after they shot that guy in the head.

B: yes, you wouldn’t want to get infected with the gay in his blood.

Me: no, since they consider it so contagious.

besides Yeti, i’ve recently indulged in one of those batshit crazy, radical religious movies that was on Netflix streaming.  props to B for mentioning it and thanks to Lincoln for badgering me till i watched it. 

it was.  INSANE.

i must warn that i had to edit the convo between b and i so that it wouldn’t give anything away and please note the textual sarcasm when referencing homosexuality.

but most importantly, if you love guns, violence, right-wing nut jobs, charismatic pastor/cult leaders, perceived sexual deviancy, hymns, John Goodman, killing sprees, and overall ridiculousness then this movie is for you.

if you’d like a more concise version you can imdb it.

LOVE YOUR DAMN NEIGHBOR!!!!!

Tagged