Happy Holidays – I Fucking Hate You.


i made a list of all the people i will be giving gifts to this year.  and i must confess –
it took a dark turn.

as i compiled my list – my brain began to think about the people i didn’t like/despise and how my christmas would be truly merry if i could only give them things that would ruin their lives (or at least their holiday season).

the first person that came to mind is the person i have to encounter at the restaurant and in order to cope with said person i have to use that one book called Dealing With People You Can’t Stand.  it’s hard to be around a person you know is a filthy, rotten liar/braggart.  the person that one up’s everything you do.  like when this person found out that my grandma had passed away from cancer and promptly informed me that their grandma had died from a worse cancer than the one my grandma had. 
congratulations. 
the person that says they’re allergic to cheesecake so they don’t have to refill the desserts at the end up of the night, but then horks down mini-cheesecakes that i bring into work.  the person that has literally done everything that you have done – but 100 times better and on a much grander scale.

for this person i’m thinking about the gift of magazine subscriptions.  a crapton of them (a la The League) and fill each one out with “bill me later.”  although, now i have to ask said person for their address which will more than likely require me to have an extended conversation which is punishment enough for me.  and i’m lazy.  and this person doesn’t truly matter.  i’ll keep you posted.

this next person is family (although i don’t really consider them to be) and is truly a pox on humanity.  i don’t think there is one good thing i could say about this person.  in true awful form – they’re a liar, delusional, and in the business of making their children’s lives miserable.  they talk to me when i don’t want to talk to them.  they’re selfish.  nobody in the family likes them and no one will let me say anything because there’s some sort of abject fear that it will rock the boat.  i say rock away.

here’s a list of things i would like to say to this person:

  • shut the fuck up
  • nobody likes you
  • you’re a terrible human being
  • i bet santa brings you coal every year but since you’re such a liar you tell everyone otherwise
  • shut the fuck up
  • stop talking to me
  • seriously, shut the fuck up

i’ve decided to make every single person in my family treats this year.  truffles, cake pops, peppermint bark…maybe fudge.  i’m going to individually wrap everything and attach hand-made nametags that i’ve spent hours decorating.  and i will pointedly leave this person out.  and hopefully this person will ask if i forgot theirs at home and i will say, “why do you have to make everything about you?  isn’t it a little presumptuous that you would think there’s one for you?  BECAUSE THERE ISN’T.”  or maybe this person won’t say anything, but they’ll make eye contact with me and then i’ll stare back with narrowed eyes and they’ll know what’s up.  it’s a tad passive aggressive but i think it’ll make my holiday a little more jolly.  and i think santa will be relieved.  because then he doesn’t even had to bother stopping at this person’s house with the obligatory coal.

or maybe i’ll give both these idiots a pack of shawn white gum.

or maybe pictures of hairy pussy:

nothing says i hate you like hairy pussy and dirty boxers.

or maybe some of Lincoln’s dirty boxers. 

things could get worse.  i’m feeling diabolical today.

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3 thoughts on “Happy Holidays – I Fucking Hate You.

  1. JustcallmeB says:

    Wow. Just a few feelings bottled up inside of you huh?

  2. […] was AWESOME!!!  I didn’t think I would enjoy shooting a gun as much as I did.  Shannon went with me and we both decided we love the smell of gunpowder in the morning.  Also a great way […]

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