I Wish I Hated Twilight As Much As People Hate Michael Vick

have you ever run into the store to grab like ONE item so you bypass the basket thing but then end up buying a ridiculous arm-full of shit that you don’t need and have to juggle the seventeen items (which probably include some glass things) till you get to the register?

ugh.  it’s the worst.  considering that i have the attention span of a squirrel (terribly cliche, i know) and if anything is between one and two dollars i will automatically buy it, this happens quite often.

sidenote – the dingos are battling while i write this and i can’t help but feel that perhaps this is how michael vick felt.  except i don’t have money on this.  but if i did – it would be on murphy and if i had to kill one it would totally be mac.

but back to the task at hand.  i worked for like, 12 hours today, and then had to stop and get food for the dingos.  i made the mistake of going to walmart and bought nothing that i absolutely needed (besides the dog food) and still managed to only spend $19.

i bought the following:

  • vodka
  • wolfgang puck pasta sauce
  • white grape juice
  • some sort of tiny thing of juice.  seriously, it’s a tiny gallon-esque jug and i’m in love with it
  • dog food
  • a cat toy

check my shit out:

i would probably eat it straight from the jar with a spoon.

you know it's premium when it's $4 and it's in plastic.

i got the toy. not the cat.

they're best friends.

fun fact: that tiny thing of juice is perfect for chasing shots in the event that you’re too lazy to pour the juice into a glass.

i had a similar shopping experience at target a few days ago.  i noticed the cashier guy giving me odd looks (and not looks like he was hitting on because that never happens) and it wasn’t until i got to my car that it dawned on me why. 

i had bought the following:

  • a double pack of body wash
  • razors
  • twilight returns or breaking dawn (whichever you prefer to call it)
  • two giant boxes of tampons
  • cat food

i’m pathetic.

in completely unrelated news.  my idiot dingo dog…this one:

EATS TAMPONS.  USED TAMPONS.  perhaps that’s a little more than you need to know but i feel as though other people besides shitler and myself need to experience this fucking disgusting nonsense.  because he eats them, they don’t fully digest, and then he throws them up. 

so naturally, i googled why.

1. dogs are predators and opportunistic scavengers.  the smell of blood sends them into a frenzy and they must pursue it

2. the smell of a used tampon is identical to that of any female in heat and they will do anything to get to it

my dog is a fucking freak.  i don’t know how anyone else thinks but after googling that used tampons remind weirdo dogs of females in heat i can’t even look at mac. 

it’s like he has some sort of oedipus complex.  i’m gonna puke.

also – shitler is, i’m not kidding you, taking a shit right and talking to big tony about fantasy baseball, and it fucking stinks.

with that – i’m done.

yarn cat.

ok now i’m done.


One thought on “I Wish I Hated Twilight As Much As People Hate Michael Vick

  1. JustcallmeB says:

    Growing up, we had a dog that would eat used tampons as well. Ours was female, oddly enough. She would go so far as to dig them out of the frozen ground after raccoons dumped the garbage over during the night….fuckers.

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