Category Archives: America

Gun Mug


i must admit that today has been a struggle.  

why?

because it feels like america punched me in the face after it got done kicking me while i was down because independence day was on a fucking wednesday and i’m now paying the hangover piper.  because i’m slightly twitchy.  and i crammed about 20 ham and pickle roll ups in my mouth.  and then a half of pint of melty cherry garcia and called that lunch.  and i’ve fantasized about food all damn day and how i would eat an entire party sub if someone brought it to me.  and i smell like christmas.  but not in the santa claus way.  but in the gin way.  because i drank way too much of that yesterday.  and because it felt like my body has been trying to expel everything in me all day by way of high quantity, odd colored shits.  

too much?
i don’t even care.
i’m in the mood to over-share.  

and i may have been forcibly grabbed yesterday.  because i have bruises in the shape of fingers on my arm.  and also the bruises on my leg have gotten noticeably worse.  and usually i end up with awesome pictures but i was a complete disappointment yesterday because i have no awesome pictures.  just a thousand of fucking fireworks.  so i had to steal some from others.

here is the day.  summed up in 3 pictures.

and i have to put in a fireworks picture.

ok two.  because two out of a thousand isn’t that bad.

so in all seriousness.  today was on a whole other level of lame.  

until 2PM.  

when this came:

finally.

and somehow, everything is now right in the world.

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A Series In Poor Choices


i just wanted to lay in bed all day and watch bedknobs and broomsticks.  but no.  it’s wednesday.  and i had to work.  while hungover.  severely.  

so severely that i ate my lunch before 9am.  so severely that i didn’t even heat it up – just dunked a cold hamburger patty in lemon poppy seed dressing.  i’m a fucking wreck.

in my defense – it was shitler’s last night of bowling and i can’t tolerate being at that fucking place when i’m sober.  so i indulged.  and now i’m paying the price.  here’s a few ridiculous fucking pictures from last night:

me. and the wheez.

because normal pictures would be too easy.

oh, good news.  shitler is the champion of his fantasy football league.  

also, he got a trophy.

what’s that?  you don’t care?  ya, me either.

but i do like trophies.

and shoving them up people’s asses.

and apparently shitler and i can take a decent photo together:

you’ll have to excuse me.  i need more bayer advanced strength.  and another gallon of water.  if there were a contest for being the most dehydrated – i would win.

but today wasn’t all bad.  i remembered that i did hit the eight ball in to win a game of pool last night.  i only won because b was my partner and he got every other ball in.   i’m not even joking.

and then my friend the super fox sent me the best text in the world.  seriously.  it was this and only this:

but now i’m concerned.  does jeff have cancer?  and why is his hair like that?

also – i would post a picture of the super fox and me but i don’t have one.  and upon thinking about it – i don’t know if i do want one.  because she’s infinitely gorgeous and i am infinitely not.  

also – my hand smells.  that is all.

Three Things That Made Me LOL Today


oh clarence.

polar bears are terrible cooks.

exactly.

Best Motherfucking Xmas. Ever.


tis better to give then to receive.

i just think i’m bad at accepting gifts.  because when people give me something extremely nice it makes me feel uncomfortable.  and then i feel bad that they probably spent a lot of money on me.  and then i worry about appreciating it enough and end up feeling like i’m not appreciating it like i should considering how much they probably spent on it.  which is why i don’t have nice things.  and which is why i love when people give me socks as gifts.

but this christmas has officially become the best ever.

because my manager got me this:

i'm so happy i could cry.

i will not be working the second job tonight because i’m going to go home and have a meatloaf extravaganza. 

pictures to follow.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year


It’s that time of the year again.  Time for togetherness and merriment.  For drunkenness and debauchery.  For beer-bonging boxed wine.  For destroying the natural landscape.  For getting beat-up, black-out drunk.  It’s PINEWOODS time.  2K11.  Third annual.

Here are some photos from yesteryear Pinewoods events:

Legit.

 

Jack will be in attendance. #AMERICA

 

An artistic representation of what we'll all feel like come Sunday morning.

 
I expect nothing short of bad decision-making to abound this weekend.  But what do you expect when you wake up and brush your teeth with peppermint schnapps?  Can we count on a visit from the park ranger?  Cross your fingers, they’re always a delight.
 
Farewell friends. 
I will return with stories and pictures that will hopefully make you cringe and/or blush.
 
Seacrest out.