Category Archives: bacon

In Which Bacon Brings Shitler to Justice Via a Bird

i like to tell myself that i’m pretty bad ass.  and by bad ass i mean let’s bake cupcakes on a friday night.

i know, bad ass right?

so i did.  i made cupcakes.  the champagne ones.  and it was mainly like one bottle of champagne for the cupcakes and one bottle for me.

and then i started thinking about bacon and about how much i loved it.  and then i found myself frying a pound of bacon at 8PM on friday.  and then thinking about all the ways i could add them to my cupcakes.  and then shitler started being a real douche about bacon.  going so far as to claim that it’s the least flavorful of all the breakfast foods.  so i decided to just go for it and make the bacon cupcakes and make shitler eat crow when everyone that i made eat them loved them.



yes.  it happened.  and it was glorious.
except shitler still wouldn’t try one because he said that he refused to become part of the fad that dictates that “bacon makes everything better (we all know it’s not a fad.  it’s a fucking fact).”
even when everyone that tried one loved them.
and that the bacon cupcakes got snapped up quicker than the regular  ones.  

so still, we are at odds over the merits of bacon.  and i couldn’t help but think that he really need to be brought down a peg or four.

and then it happened.  the very next day.  like i’m talking karma gift-wrapped a present for me and the card that went along with it read “this is for all the abuse you and bacon have had to suffer at the hands of shitler.”



a bird shit on shitler.
and then all was right in the world.
because it doesn’t really get much better than that.

oh, it does.  because shitler hosed off the bird shit like this:

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Textual Feeling: One Life To Live

if there’s one person that hates YOLO it’s b.  which i think in turn means he hates living which in turn means i think he should be monitored because it might mean he’s a danger to both himself and others.

it probably doesn’t help when i won’t stop YOLO’ing at him.

me: YOLO.

b: unless you’re charlie then YOLNT.

me: YOLO!!!!

b: i’m going to punch you in the mouth.

me: i’m just trying to get my YOLO on.

b: me too.  that’s why i’m going to punch you in the mouth.

me: YOLO.  i’m going to drink more.  the abuse won’t be so bad when i’m thoroughly intoxicated.

b: i will make it count.


b: i am no longer responding to messages involving YOLO.

me: YOLO L Word?

b: what about L Word?

and then i sent him a picture of this:

and he hasn’t even responded.  so i think that means he’s punishing me.  or attempting to teach me a lesson.  which we all know doesn’t work.  just ask my bank account.  or vodka.

so seriously – wtf, b?

we should eat this, because hello it’s a bacon sundae and YOLO.


I Can’t Stop YOLO’ing

in all seriousness – i’m just not equipped to do anything other than lay on my couch all weekend.

i’m not even exaggerating.   if i leave my house i end up doing something terrible to my liver.  if people come to my house i end  up doing something terrible to my liver.  it’s best for all involved if i hole up in the living room and watch television shows that shitler judges me for watching and not communicate with anyone.

and this weekend was no different.  it involved copious amounts of alcohol, reading the second and third fifty shades of grey books (again) in less than 48 hours, and letting people write “YOLO” on me.  

i’m really not good at learning lessons.

here’s a photo recap.  enjoy or destroy.

and i know that people are annoyed with that damn “YOLO” expression, but it’s really the best possible thing to respond to anything with.  seriously.

you really shouldn’t drink that second bottle of wine.  it’s tuesday.  “YOLO.”

is that pizza on your diet?  “YOLO.”

you have to go to work today.  “YOLO.”

you skipped the gym again?  “YOLO.”

you’re honestly putting bacon on that?  “YOLO.”

have you done anything today besides lay on the couch and watch game of thrones?  “YOLO.”

you honestly bought a gun mug?  “YOLO.”

are you going to put pants on today?  “YOLO.”

do you ever do anything?  “YOLO.

i’m aware that all those things sound like something shitler would say to me.
or has said to me.  

i will neither confirm nor deny.


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Hairy Cleavage

i want to do something monumental tonight.  

like finish all the laundry that has accumulated in the basement.
or maybe eat a pound of bacon myself.
or paint a bookshelf.
or slay a mythical beast (preferably before eating the bacon as to avoid a stomach ache).
or create some sort of feast fit for a king.
or make an exact replica of mac out of cupcakes and skittles.
or watch every episode ever of true blood.

but we all know none of that will happen.  i’m just going to go to the gym, go home and shower my stink ass, and lay on the couch like a piece of shit.

which isn’t unlike any other night of my life.  
but yesterday i made these guys:

oh, and i did make two pounds of bacon.  so at least there’s that.  BUT, i didn’t put bacon in either of the above things.  which i wanted to do but then shitler was all “absolutely notand that right there is the exact reason his name isshitler.”  and i did go to the store yesterday and that in and of itself is a win because i at least left the house.  and as i was leaving shitler yelled “don’t even think about coming home without muffins and ice cream!”  whatever.

but other than getting bitch slapped by the vodka on saturday – the weekend was average.  i like to measure the delightfulness of my weekend based on amount of money spent v. how much fun was actually had v. how craptastic  i feel on sunday v. whether or not i have a residual hangover on monday.

all in all – i’d chalk this weekend up to a win.

he’s obsessed.

i lost count of the vodka shots.

i think that pup would make a great simba.

who doesn’t love free lake-side firework shows?

and lastly – how can you not take a picture of hairy cleavage?  lord knows i can’t resist.

happy hairy cleavage monday from me (and shitler) to you.

Food Porn Monday

i’m super passionate about looking at pictures of food i want to eat.  
but then never actually eating it most of the time.
like just fantasizing about it:
food porn style.

so i thought that maybe it would be tortuously fun to present you with the five things i’ve found that made me cry due to orgasm-induced happiness.  every monday.

lobster roll

via serious eats

peanut butter bacon banana bread

via how sweet it is

grilled, bacon topped meatloaf stuffed with beer cheese

via serious eats

grilled taco pizza

via pass the sushi

fried Chicken, honey Butter, and biscuit Sandwiches

via serious eats

that last one brought a legitimate tear to my eye.
and if you can’t tell i really, really like the serious eats website.  like a lot. 

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bacon for all the meals


sometimes that’s all i think about.  and then sometimes when shitler and i go to breakfast and he boldly declares that he would choose sausage over bacon any day of the week i die a little inside.  because it’s basically blasphemy.

but then this weekend i wanted pancakes.  and then i also wanted bacon.  but i wanted them intertwined in so intimate a  way that they would do a delicious dance in my mouth.
so b, the super fox, and i did this:

are you fucking serious? 

it was jubilant.  ask anyone.

and it answers the age old question of whether or not bacon makes everything better.  and the answer is yes, yes it does.

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