Category Archives: cupcakes

In Which Bacon Brings Shitler to Justice Via a Bird


i like to tell myself that i’m pretty bad ass.  and by bad ass i mean let’s bake cupcakes on a friday night.

i know, bad ass right?

so i did.  i made cupcakes.  the champagne ones.  and it was mainly like one bottle of champagne for the cupcakes and one bottle for me.

and then i started thinking about bacon and about how much i loved it.  and then i found myself frying a pound of bacon at 8PM on friday.  and then thinking about all the ways i could add them to my cupcakes.  and then shitler started being a real douche about bacon.  going so far as to claim that it’s the least flavorful of all the breakfast foods.  so i decided to just go for it and make the bacon cupcakes and make shitler eat crow when everyone that i made eat them loved them.

 

 

yes.  it happened.  and it was glorious.
except shitler still wouldn’t try one because he said that he refused to become part of the fad that dictates that “bacon makes everything better (we all know it’s not a fad.  it’s a fucking fact).”
even when everyone that tried one loved them.
and that the bacon cupcakes got snapped up quicker than the regular  ones.  

so still, we are at odds over the merits of bacon.  and i couldn’t help but think that he really need to be brought down a peg or four.

and then it happened.  the very next day.  like i’m talking karma gift-wrapped a present for me and the card that went along with it read “this is for all the abuse you and bacon have had to suffer at the hands of shitler.”

 

 

yes.
a bird shit on shitler.
and then all was right in the world.
because it doesn’t really get much better than that.

oh, it does.  because shitler hosed off the bird shit like this:

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Textual Feeling: Heat Stroke


hello world.

i’d like to announce that i’ve decided to compulsively bake this weekend.  so that means no one better bother me.  
or i will fucking shank you with a whisk.  
a wire one.  
after i have severed some of the little whisky things so they’re pointy and sharp.

and i’m going to listen to zeppelin and elp on a constant loop throughout this bake-off with myself and it’s going to be tremendous.

and in all seriousness – i was going another direction with this post and then i had this conversation with b.  and it instantly became my favorite thing in the entire world.

b: you’d be amazed how quickly this heat takes effect on the testicles.

me:  i’ll do you one better.  imagine a sweaty, smelly vagina after an hour of intense cardio and then getting into a sweltering hot car that has no air conditioning and driving home.

b: your vagina doesn’t cling to your thigh and begin acting like a creepy wall crawler.

me: you don’t know that.

b: that’s true.  i’m just taking a shot in the dark.

me: thank you.  i appreciate you not making assumptions about my vagina.

b: come on, we all know it’s smelly and warn out.  kind of like a drained, inflatable pool.

me: i will neither confirm nor deny.

now go forth and discuss the intense heat and the damage it causes to your genitals.

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So What If It Looks Like a Smurf Jizzed All Over My Fingers


i’m covered in batter and frosting.  and it’s caked on and sticky. and after i find a patch of it and wash it off i find more.  it’s never ending. 

but i guess that’s better than actual smurf jizz.

things got a little out of control in the cupcake department tonight.

and i decided to do something outrageous with the cupcake batter:

i blue myself - a la arrested development.

smurf jizz cupcakes.

i was excited about smurf jizz cupcakes until shitler suggested i do this:

so now i have brewers cupcakes.  which is ok – because they won tonight.

but i also have a shitload of cupcakes.  so it’s good that i bought this cupcake tote (something i never thought i would say) during my frenzied shopping:

more importantly, shitler kept eating the frosting (sometimes by the spoonful).  then he ate a cupcake.  after he ate like five tacos.  then i made him eat another cupcake because i had cut it open and wanted to take a picture of it and i didn’t want it to go to waste. 

he protested. 

but caved. 

then he made love to it.

then he said he was going to puke. 

then he got up and took a shit.

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