Category Archives: debauchery

The Cock Came To Party


regardless of how cliche it is to have a giant inflatable cock at a bachlorette party – you can’t deny the joy it brings to everyone that encounters it.

go ahead – touch it.

parched cock.

and yes – the cock is an advocate of safe sex.
do you even know how many ladies he was with that night?

the cock makes everyone happy.

but unfortunately – the activities of the weekend will slowly begin to deflate any cock.

and i haven’t told shitler yet – but i would really like to get one for the living room.
you know – for a conversation.

like a great coffee table book.
only better.

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Boats and Hoes: Installment 1: The Tame Version


i’m going to be honest about the tie-up.

it’s a shit show.  
a goddamn shit show.

and one year that i went – i almost died.  
not even kidding.

i may have been a tiny bit wasted while treading water when a large man canon-balled on top of me causing me to crack my skull on the underside of the boat. where i may have blacked out.  and then was hoisted out of the water by some nice gentlemen while a group of gawking fellow drunks looked on hoping that i didn’t drown.  and then i collapsed back at the house and ate shit into a pile of rocks.  i was battered and bruised.

but this year i vowed that it would be different.  that i would redeem myself.  and i’d like to think that i did.
but in an effort to string you along – i’m just submitting some subdued photos and a video.

because tomorrow’s post has got the good shit.  like thongs, and packages, and hot chicks, and gratuitous water sex.

you’re welcome.

and may i just preface this video with the fact that it was only noon at this point and got progressively worse and worse.

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High Five 4 Friday


whose hollering with me?  hollering about friday, i mean.

let’s do it together.

holler.

i’m linking up with lauren over at from my grey desk.

 

1. just saw this movie this week.  and i’m officially in love.  one of the best i’ve seen in awhile.  i think about it for the better part of my days.  and how i’d rather be parked on the couch watching it.

2. oh my god.  she kills me.  and i don’t care what anyone says.  she looks like a tan falcor.  and if you don’t know who falcor is or where it’s from – you can go fuck off.

3.  i’m going to say this and you’re probably going to judge me.  but it was the 1,000th episode of monday night raw this week.  and i watched it.  and i enjoyed it.  and i coveted jericho’s jacket like i do every time i see it.

 

4. the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.  i’m sure that will be a separate post entirely.  because the tie-up is filled with booze, boats, and boobs.  and it’s this weekend.  and i’m so happy.  and i’m going to really try hard to not almost die this time around.

 

5. and with the tie-up happening this weekend it brings shiter’s boyfriends to town.  

3 guys. 1 raft.

 

 

it’s the weekend.
like missy elliot said
get your freak on.

 

 

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In Which Bacon Brings Shitler to Justice Via a Bird


i like to tell myself that i’m pretty bad ass.  and by bad ass i mean let’s bake cupcakes on a friday night.

i know, bad ass right?

so i did.  i made cupcakes.  the champagne ones.  and it was mainly like one bottle of champagne for the cupcakes and one bottle for me.

and then i started thinking about bacon and about how much i loved it.  and then i found myself frying a pound of bacon at 8PM on friday.  and then thinking about all the ways i could add them to my cupcakes.  and then shitler started being a real douche about bacon.  going so far as to claim that it’s the least flavorful of all the breakfast foods.  so i decided to just go for it and make the bacon cupcakes and make shitler eat crow when everyone that i made eat them loved them.

 

 

yes.  it happened.  and it was glorious.
except shitler still wouldn’t try one because he said that he refused to become part of the fad that dictates that “bacon makes everything better (we all know it’s not a fad.  it’s a fucking fact).”
even when everyone that tried one loved them.
and that the bacon cupcakes got snapped up quicker than the regular  ones.  

so still, we are at odds over the merits of bacon.  and i couldn’t help but think that he really need to be brought down a peg or four.

and then it happened.  the very next day.  like i’m talking karma gift-wrapped a present for me and the card that went along with it read “this is for all the abuse you and bacon have had to suffer at the hands of shitler.”

 

 

yes.
a bird shit on shitler.
and then all was right in the world.
because it doesn’t really get much better than that.

oh, it does.  because shitler hosed off the bird shit like this:

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The Day The Super Fox Attempted to Destroy Everything Shitler Loves


which is three things.

and none of them include me.

1. his stupid grill that he doesn’t shut up about.

2. his ice shanty.
relax – that gas can is empty.

3. his tomato plants that he seriously won’t shut the fuck up about.

side note – the super fox kept saying that when i took these pictures she was peeing on shitler’s tomato plants.
and i must say, that if that’s the case, then i’m concerned with her method of relieving herself.
and that it might trickle down her leg. 

The Super Fox and Shitler Show


so i wrote these early this morning.
at like 5AM.
because apparently drinking last night caused me to be up and at ’em at a disgustingly early time.

so it’s a second installment (here’s the first).
of my tuesday night. 
when the super fox asked shitler if she could squirt a lemon in his eye.

and he said yes.

and then an hour later he snorted salt.

yup, he’s all mine.

Hairy Cleavage Comparison.


so this happened last night.
mind you it was a tuesday.

i may or may not have suggested that shitler and the super fox compare cleavage.
you know.
to see whose is the hairiest. 

you decide.

 

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The Chain ‘O Lakes Made Me Its Bitch


sweet lord.

ever have one of those weekends where you require at least 48 hours in bed to recover?  or the phrase “i’m too old for this shit” comes to mind?  or it dawns on you that you’re a loser compared to shitler’s aunt and uncle – who are quite possibly the coolest people ever.  i mean – the type of people that know everyone and party harder than anyone i’ve ever met.  it’s incredible.

i don’t know how else to describe the events other then it included boats, water, booze, shitler licking men’s faces, jack russell terriers, zero recovery time, tan lines like a motherfucker, more booze, bands, crazy bachelorette parties, booze, etc.

i can’t do it justice in words – so bear with me as i inundate you with photos.

and then there’s this picture.  which is pretty much my favorite.  because i don’t know what’s going on.  and i can’t even imagine what the caption should be.

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Textual Feeling: One Life To Live


if there’s one person that hates YOLO it’s b.  which i think in turn means he hates living which in turn means i think he should be monitored because it might mean he’s a danger to both himself and others.

it probably doesn’t help when i won’t stop YOLO’ing at him.

me: YOLO.

b: unless you’re charlie then YOLNT.

me: YOLO!!!!

b: i’m going to punch you in the mouth.

me: i’m just trying to get my YOLO on.

b: me too.  that’s why i’m going to punch you in the mouth.

me: YOLO.  i’m going to drink more.  the abuse won’t be so bad when i’m thoroughly intoxicated.

b: i will make it count.

me: YOLO SWIMMING.

b: i am no longer responding to messages involving YOLO.

me: YOLO L Word?

b: what about L Word?

and then i sent him a picture of this:

and he hasn’t even responded.  so i think that means he’s punishing me.  or attempting to teach me a lesson.  which we all know doesn’t work.  just ask my bank account.  or vodka.

so seriously – wtf, b?

we should eat this, because hello it’s a bacon sundae and YOLO.

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I Can’t Stop YOLO’ing


in all seriousness – i’m just not equipped to do anything other than lay on my couch all weekend.

i’m not even exaggerating.   if i leave my house i end up doing something terrible to my liver.  if people come to my house i end  up doing something terrible to my liver.  it’s best for all involved if i hole up in the living room and watch television shows that shitler judges me for watching and not communicate with anyone.

and this weekend was no different.  it involved copious amounts of alcohol, reading the second and third fifty shades of grey books (again) in less than 48 hours, and letting people write “YOLO” on me.  

i’m really not good at learning lessons.

here’s a photo recap.  enjoy or destroy.

and i know that people are annoyed with that damn “YOLO” expression, but it’s really the best possible thing to respond to anything with.  seriously.

you really shouldn’t drink that second bottle of wine.  it’s tuesday.  “YOLO.”

is that pizza on your diet?  “YOLO.”

you have to go to work today.  “YOLO.”

you skipped the gym again?  “YOLO.”

you’re honestly putting bacon on that?  “YOLO.”

have you done anything today besides lay on the couch and watch game of thrones?  “YOLO.”

you honestly bought a gun mug?  “YOLO.”

are you going to put pants on today?  “YOLO.”

do you ever do anything?  “YOLO.

i’m aware that all those things sound like something shitler would say to me.
or has said to me.  

i will neither confirm nor deny.

YOLO.

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