Category Archives: fantasy football

A Series In Poor Choices

i just wanted to lay in bed all day and watch bedknobs and broomsticks.  but no.  it’s wednesday.  and i had to work.  while hungover.  severely.  

so severely that i ate my lunch before 9am.  so severely that i didn’t even heat it up – just dunked a cold hamburger patty in lemon poppy seed dressing.  i’m a fucking wreck.

in my defense – it was shitler’s last night of bowling and i can’t tolerate being at that fucking place when i’m sober.  so i indulged.  and now i’m paying the price.  here’s a few ridiculous fucking pictures from last night:

me. and the wheez.

because normal pictures would be too easy.

oh, good news.  shitler is the champion of his fantasy football league.  

also, he got a trophy.

what’s that?  you don’t care?  ya, me either.

but i do like trophies.

and shoving them up people’s asses.

and apparently shitler and i can take a decent photo together:

you’ll have to excuse me.  i need more bayer advanced strength.  and another gallon of water.  if there were a contest for being the most dehydrated – i would win.

but today wasn’t all bad.  i remembered that i did hit the eight ball in to win a game of pool last night.  i only won because b was my partner and he got every other ball in.   i’m not even joking.

and then my friend the super fox sent me the best text in the world.  seriously.  it was this and only this:

but now i’m concerned.  does jeff have cancer?  and why is his hair like that?

also – i would post a picture of the super fox and me but i don’t have one.  and upon thinking about it – i don’t know if i do want one.  because she’s infinitely gorgeous and i am infinitely not.  

also – my hand smells.  that is all.


Things I Fucking Hate – Updated

  • shaun white’s hair
  • shaun white’s gum
  • people who name their fetus-child while it’s still in the womb and then refer to it on social media networks constantly as if the thing is out walking around
  • percy “the migraine” harvin – mainly because he’s a pussy that gets migraines but still manages to get monster fantasy points.  asshole.
  • people who post bloody birth pictures of their newborn fetuses.  it’s gross – knock it off
  • the radio
  • rachel nichols from ESPN

    need i say more?

whew.  now i feel better.  i felt like i was keeping a lot of rage pent up.

but seriously.  rachel nichols = THE WORST

Steve Jobs Ruined My Life

So I recently got an iPhone and it was absolutely the best thing that’s ever happened to me (and I don’t care what the judgy fucks say about how I should have waited for the new one to come out.  Step.  Off.).
I named her Lola and filled her with all sorts of apps:
  • Tiny Tower (an absolute must for all iPhone owners)
  • Pinterest (I get nothing done)
  • The obligatory social media apps (Facebook, Twitter, etc.)
  • RotoWire (Thanks B – so I can keep up with all the fucking injuries my fantasy team is plagued with)
  • Stickies

I downloaded this Stickies thing last night and it’s basically Post-It Notes for your phone.  So I showed Lincoln what reminder I needed:

I'm very busy.

He called me an idiot.

But in my defense, he hates when I dick tap him.  But I really enjoy it.  He gets uncomfortable and squirmy and his reactions are even better when I dick tap in public.

But sometimes I forget how much I like to do it – so I added it to my Stickies and set an alarm as a reminder.  It’ll be different everyday so he’ll never see it coming.

But my Stickies board looked barren and boring so I explored and discovered you can use colored Stickies and different shaped Stickies.   So I updated my Stickies board:

Now I look more important.

In other news, it is with great sadness that I reveal that Lincoln WON the bet. 
I know – it’s terrible.  I really had my heart set on seeing him do the “All the Single Ladies” dance.
But all is not lost.  Aran, the loser, will be posting his video tomorrow.  There was talk of CGI’ing himself into the actual video. It’s going to be hilarious.
Stay tuned for the video…

All The Single Ladies

So I thought I would share a little about Lincoln and his obsession with all things fantasy football.  Last season it annoyed the shit out of me, considering that’s all he ever talked about and you could gauge his mood at any given time on whether his team was winning or losing. 

But this season, I got sucked in.  And now I’m just as big of loser and I’m almost positive some of my friends would rather not talk to me then hear me rant about how Michael Vick is fucking me (which should probably be saved for a completely different post).

Anyway, I discovered over the weekend that Lincoln accepted a bet (it’s like he can’t not accept it) from the Commisioner of one of the four different leagues he’s in (he’s definitely the bigger loser out of the two of us).

The Bet: The loser this week has to do Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies” dance, tape it, and post it for all the world to see. 


I’ve never wanted Lincoln to lose more.  I offered to, of course, style and shoot the video but he just got nasty and told me to go fuck myself.  That’s fine – I don’t like to loser either.  And I especially don’t like that goddamn song.  But I will love the shit out of that song when Lincoln is dancing around to it.

Below are a few pictures from Sunday football:

Here he is when he's winning. Mocking the possibile outcome of his nemesis.

Realizing that Aaron Rodgers had a monster game and there's a possibility he will be doing the dance.

Totally unrelated - but here's a shot of Lincoln molesting the dog with a shit-eating grin on his face.

I won’t know the outcome of this epic battle until after tonight’s game but I certainly hope it’s a nail-biter and I certainly hope Lincoln loses. 
Either way, the video will be posted here.