Category Archives: food network

DMX Is In Couples Therapy.


here i sit.  it’s not 5 o’clock and i’ve polished off the last of the open bottle of champagne, painted my nails with sparkly polish, and eaten too many champagne cupcakes.

and it feels good.
like i was meant to do this.

but more importantly – everyone needs to make these goddamn cupcakes.
they’re
delicious.

i’m no professional and my process is the worst – where i destroy everything in my path until my end goal.

but they were perfection.

pink and perfect.

my attempt at decorating leaves something to be desired.

the champagne i’ve been drinking all afternoon was mediocre.  but it looked lonely – like it needed someone to drink it.  so i did.

my cuticles are gross.

here’s the recipe for those delicious fucking cupcakes.  oh, and here’s the link – so you can see how they were actually supposed to look.

champagne cupcakes

1 box betty crocker super moist white cake mix
1 1/4 c. champagne
1/3 c. vegetable oil
3 egg whites
4-5 drops of red/pink food coloring

champagne frosting

1/2 c. butter or margarine, softened
4 c. powdered sugar
1/4 c. champagne
1 tsp. vanilla
4-5 drops red or pink food coloring

heat oven to 350.  place baking cup in each of 24 regular muffin cups.  in a large bowl, mix dry cake mix and champagne.  add oil, egg whites, and food coloring.  beat with electric mixer on medium speed.  divide evenly among the muffin cups.  bake for 17-22 minutes.  cool completely.  in a medium bowl, beat frosting ingredients with a mixer until smooth.  frost cupcakes.  sprinkle with garnishes!

also i’m watching tough love and some twat just told a dude that she likes vodka in her wine.  my kind of lady. 

and seriously.  dmx is in couples therapy.  i know this because i’ve been watching vh1 all afternoon. 

and that’s how you know you’ve watched too much vh1.

Advertisements
Tagged , ,

Textual Feeling: No, You Can’t Stick Your Finger In There


a quick aside.  in that my day is crap.  but then it gets a little bit better than crap.

when i was little and had pink eye or some other eye infection shit and needed eye drops put in my eyes – all bets were off.  one parent had to hold me still, while the other had to use their fingers to stretch out my eye and put the drops in.  then i would scream like they were dropping acid in my e yes.  to this day, i’m terrible with eye drops and anything eye-related.  which is why i don’t wear contacts.  but then i don’t always wear my glasses so then i get massive headaches and my eye sight just gets worse and worse.  but i just continue suffering rather than do something to remedy the situation.  like just wear my fucking glasses.

is this going somewhere, you ask?

yes.  it is.

for some fucked up reason i could not sleep last night.  it was awful.  the type of “you can’t sleep” that has you staring at your significant other like you’re going to murder them in their peaceful slumber because you’re so goddamn jealous.  

anyway, i slept for an hour.  which was pointless and i should have just stayed up all night because the hour of sleep didn’t do shit except make me crabby, whiny, and psychotic-looking with my red, irritated eyes.  

miraculously, i found eye drops in my purse.

and tried to administer them at my desk.

which was a terrible idea.

because i drained half the bottle because i keep freaking out and missing my eye and squirting it all over my face so it just looked like i was hysterically crying.  

happy fucking friday.

but then seriously.  happy fucking friday.  because i forgot i had this in the freezer:

but now i have gut rot. because i ate too much and too fast.

b: sweet mullets?

me: i want to make cupcakes first.  i’ve had a rough day.

b: can i come over and stick my finger in your better?

me: butter or butthole?  i’m confused.  i’d be pissed either way.

b: batter.

me: no, i forbid it.

b: that’s awfully ride.
b: rude.  goddammit!

me: good job.

Tagged , ,

Cupcakes, Champagne, and KFC


i called shitler this afternoon.  with a purpose.  to inform him what time we were going to my grandparents for dinner.  when he called me back – it was to tell me that he had KFC for lunch.  like i gave a shit.  he launched into the specifics of his meal.  

2 piece original recipe, macaroni and cheese, and a biscuit with honey.  

to which i reacted with disgust.

me: honey is gross.

shitler: no, it’s not  it’s good.  i didn’t even know.  they didn’t have any jam – so i was all, gimme some fucking honey!

me: i have to go back to work.  this has been a waste of my time.

shitler: i’m going to fucking kill you.

me: k, byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye.

it’s like he bluffs for a living.  and makes empty threats.  whatever.

it’s not kfc – but it’s liver sausage.  and i’ve never met anyone that loves it more than shitler does.  he would eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if he could.

but that’s neither here nor there.  i’m going to make these cupcakes this weekend.  only because it gives me an excuse to buy champagne.  one bottle for cooking.  two or more for consumption.  a twitter/college friend is going to as well.  and then we will battle it out via pictures.  although i’m the most concerned with how much champagne she can consume.  and perhaps how many cupcakes she can eat without puking.  so stay tuned.

Tagged

I’m Pretty Into Meat


one time i thought it would be interesting to try going vegetarian for a month.  that didn’t work.  mainly because i fucking love meat.

so i made some meatloaf for lincoln the other night.

here is my night in meat-related photos.

PROTEIN.

the meat hand cometh.

 

then chuck tried to entice me with his body:

give me your meat.

 

but i stayed strong and pressed on.

raw meat doused in ketchup sure looks delicious.

my finished masterpiece.

 and then i made tabouli – which is completely un-meat-related.

Tagged , ,

Things I Fucking Hate: Updated


thought i would do a quick update because these two things have been bothering me since last friday.  while making/decorating massive amounts of balls with G – we watched eight hours of the food network, during which i was subjected to two shows that i will forever refuse to watch from here on out.

Down Home With the Neelys –
it’s terrible.  while viewing the show, i feel that there is a strong possibility that the two are going to start fucking each other at any moment. 
it’s frightening. 
and i shouldn’t be made to sit on the edge of my seat with the remote balanced precariously in my hand should the need to frantically change the channel arise.  not to mention they say “ya’ll” far more than any person should ever be allowed to and it makes me want to punch a baby.

here they are eye-fucking each other.

ugh. foreplay.

here he's taking her from behind.

$10 Dinners with melissa d’arabian –
she’s a lying fucking bitch.  cook a dinner like a normal person.  a normal person that doesn’t have a pantry stocked with the most ridiculous things known to man.  no one has mass amounts of frozen shrimp stockpiled in their freezer or fancy ground coffee beans to whip up a dessert.  it should be a show about the last $10 you have in your checking account and you have to make a gourmet meal out of a package of ramen noodles.  

just add the expensive spices you should keep on hand!

this just made me smile.

i found this.  there are others that feel like i do about sweet melissa. 

also, lincoln has been whistling a lot more lately.  which leads me to believe he actually does read this.

dick.

Tagged , ,