Category Archives: food porn

Food Porn Monday


so i was so hungry yesterday that i could have consumed anything that someone put in front of me.
but no one did.

so i didn’t eat anything.
and in conclusion – i want all of these:

grilled steak, avocado, and spicy crema sandwiches

via serious eats

mexican corn on the cob

via campbells kitchen

at home chick-fil-a sandwich

via serious eats

crazy confetti compost cookies

via how sweet eats

raspberry chipotle-glazed chicken wings

via eat, live, run

i can only imagine how much i would hurl if i ate all of this.

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Food Porn Monday


i think we should start with dessert.

right off the bat.
and then stick with it.

the pretzel croissantwich

via serious eats

monkey bread in a jar

via eat, live, run

pb and banana campfire canape

via betty crocker

grilled coconut with coconut-condensed milk-butter sauce

via serious eats

funfetti icebox cake

via how sweet it is

they’re all just too beautiful for words.

Food Porn Monday


i’d get down with all of these.

right.now.

quadruple chili cheeseburgers

via serious eats

guacamole hummus

via shutterbean

malted chocolate milkshake

via serious eats

butternut squash gnocchi with browned butter and fried sage

via eat, live, run

white pizza dip

via how sweet it is

Food Porn Monday


sweet lord.

i’m cashing this.
because i deserve it.

but more importantly.  i wish i had all of these.

the other thing

via serious eats

miami chicken salad sandwich

via campbells

kung pao chicken

via serious eats

bourbon s’mores w/bacon

via how sweet it is

beer cheese stuffed pretzel

via betty crocker

and now i’m going to go eat a corn dog.

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Food Porn Monday


for the love of pete.  
i want all of these.  

with a side of extra carbs.

grilled salt and vinegar potatoes

via serious eats

banana cream squares

via betty crocker

hawaiian style hot dogs

via a spicy perspective

salsa guacamole

via betty crocker

super duper

via serious eats

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Textual Feeling: Heat Stroke


hello world.

i’d like to announce that i’ve decided to compulsively bake this weekend.  so that means no one better bother me.  
or i will fucking shank you with a whisk.  
a wire one.  
after i have severed some of the little whisky things so they’re pointy and sharp.

and i’m going to listen to zeppelin and elp on a constant loop throughout this bake-off with myself and it’s going to be tremendous.

and in all seriousness – i was going another direction with this post and then i had this conversation with b.  and it instantly became my favorite thing in the entire world.

b: you’d be amazed how quickly this heat takes effect on the testicles.

me:  i’ll do you one better.  imagine a sweaty, smelly vagina after an hour of intense cardio and then getting into a sweltering hot car that has no air conditioning and driving home.

b: your vagina doesn’t cling to your thigh and begin acting like a creepy wall crawler.

me: you don’t know that.

b: that’s true.  i’m just taking a shot in the dark.

me: thank you.  i appreciate you not making assumptions about my vagina.

b: come on, we all know it’s smelly and warn out.  kind of like a drained, inflatable pool.

me: i will neither confirm nor deny.

now go forth and discuss the intense heat and the damage it causes to your genitals.

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Food Porn Monday


i mainly ate bacon yesterday and then stared at pictures of food all day.  and then thought about putting bacon in blueberry muffins.  and then maybe putting bacon in some meatloaf.  but then when i looked over at the plate of bacon i realized that it had all been eaten.  so i went back to staring at pictures of other food.

like these:

grilled bbq chicken bacon skewers

via betty crocker

chilled summer squash soup with yogurt, mint, and sourdough croutons

via serious eats

texas tommy

via serious eats

carrot cake cookies

via serious eats

grilled pesto and goat cheese pizza

via eat, live, run

all i have left to eat is yogurt.  

how uninspired.

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Vodka Always Wins


i battled a bottle of vodka last night.

and lost.

and now i’m just holed up upstairs sweating my ass off because the air conditioning doesn’t work very well and i just want to watch five hours of dance moms and be left alone.
i don’t care how nice out it is.

but look what i made:

yup.

and it’s quite possibly the best thing i’ve ever done.  or eaten.

plus it speaks to my lazy heart.  because there’s three ingredients.  and then you put in the microwave, warm it up, and cram it in your mouth.

so in case you would like to indulge this is all you’ll need:

  • two 14 ounce cans of artichoke hearts (in water, drained)
  • a brick of mozzarella cheese, shredded
  • a cup of light mayo

throw it all in a bowl and heat it up in the microwave for five minutes.  dip whatever the fuck you want in it.

and it is good.  shitler even ate it.

look at that serial killer face on the left.

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Food Porn Monday


i’m super passionate about looking at pictures of food i want to eat.  
but then never actually eating it most of the time.
like just fantasizing about it:
food porn style.

so i thought that maybe it would be tortuously fun to present you with the five things i’ve found that made me cry due to orgasm-induced happiness.  every monday.

lobster roll

via serious eats

peanut butter bacon banana bread

via how sweet it is

grilled, bacon topped meatloaf stuffed with beer cheese

via serious eats

grilled taco pizza

via pass the sushi

fried Chicken, honey Butter, and biscuit Sandwiches

via serious eats

that last one brought a legitimate tear to my eye.
and if you can’t tell i really, really like the serious eats website.  like a lot. 

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