ever have one of those days where you know that you shouldn’t get out of bed but you do and then everything throughout the rest of your day is terrible and therefore confirms your earlier sneaking suspicion that you shouldn’t get out of bed?
everyone’s day is long and usually filled with bullshit (unless you’re a video game tester). but there is nothing worse than having to work your typical eight-hour day and then go to a part-time job – especially if that part-time job is at a restaurant.
people think it’s comical that i work at a restaurant. lincoln can’t believe it because he thinks i’m a bitch. it’s easy for me to be fake nice to be people over the phone while i’m flipping them the bird because they’re fucking idiots but it’s super, super hard to be nice to a stranger’s face when i swear they’re trying to slowly kill me with their stupidity.
case in point.
last night at the restaurant.
below are some highlights of my fucking bullshit night.
bullshit table #1:
bitch customer: i hope you know the menu inside and out. we have a lot of questions.
me: i’ve been here for awhile.
bitch customer: hm. we’ve never seen you before. and we’re here ALL the time.
me: i’ve been here for two years.
bitch customer: i’m on a NO-rice diet. i can’t have anything with rice.
me: ok, how about about the vietnamese fresh rolls?
bitch customer: tell me about them.
me: umm, they’re wrapped in a soy paper and have carrot, lettuce, cucumber and shrimp in them.
bitch customer: there’s no shrimp in them. i’ve had them before.
me: there’s shrimp in them.
bitch customer: i have NEVER had them with shrimp in them. it doesn’t even say it on the menu that there’s shrimp in them.
me: *point to the place on the menu where it says there’s shrimp in the vietnamese fresh rolls*
bitch customer: oh. we’ll have a bottle of sonoma cutrer.
observations about bitch customer:
- if you come here all the time then why do you have so many goddamn questions about the menu?
- if you’re on some schizo fucking diet – do everyone a favor and don’t go out to eat.
- enjoy that bottle of white wine on your diet.
bullshit table #2:
pretentious old lady customer: i LOVE calamari. honey, we should get the calamari.
me: would you like me to put an order of calamari in for you?
pretentious old lady customer: no
pretentious old lady customer: i’ll have this seafood dish. because it has squid in it. i simply love squid.
*the table’s order has been entered. i come back to check.*
pretentious old lady customer: you know what, dear? put in an order for some calamari.
*bring pretentious old lady customer’s entree with squid in it. give her time to try it and come back to check on pretentious old lady customer.*
me: how is everything so far?
pretentious old lady customer: this squid is INEDIBLE (as she hands me a tiny dish full of squid that she has meticulously picked out of her meal). i can’t even eat this.
pretentious old lady customer: can the chef make me something else? like some more shrimp?
me: umm, let me ask.
*go back to the kitchen – get the green light on some new fucking shrimp. in the meantime, the other calamari dish is up. bring that to the table.*
me: the chef is making you some more shrimp.
pretentious old lady customer: oh thank you, dear.
*bring the lady her new shrimp.”
me: would you like me to wrap up this calamari for you?
pretentious old lady customer: no, this was just as inedible as the other stuff. must have come from the same batch. make sure you take that off the bill. i barely touched it.
*take it off the bill. bring her the bill. later discover that the fucking twat left me $10 on a $79 check.*
observations about pretentious old lady customer:
- don’t order something because you think it makes you sound hip. it doesn’t. stick to sesame chicken.
- you’re a cheap fuck that needs to the stay the fuck at home.
bullshit table #3
me: hey folks – how are you doing tonight?
completely silent couple: *SILENCE*
me: uhh, can i get you two something to drink?
completely silent couple: *SILENCE*
me: i’ll just bring you two some water.
observations about completely silent couple:
- perhaps you shouldn’t venture out in public if you have zero social skills.
- also, thanks for the shitty tip.
to all my fellow servers out there – good god do i feel your pain. if there is ever a case for how cheap, fucked up, and ridiculous people are it can be made at any restaurant across the country.
there was one thing that happened at the restaurant once.
some legit people left this sticky rice creation behind:
i challenge you to a duel.