Category Archives: jeff goldblum

A Series In Poor Choices


i just wanted to lay in bed all day and watch bedknobs and broomsticks.  but no.  it’s wednesday.  and i had to work.  while hungover.  severely.  

so severely that i ate my lunch before 9am.  so severely that i didn’t even heat it up – just dunked a cold hamburger patty in lemon poppy seed dressing.  i’m a fucking wreck.

in my defense – it was shitler’s last night of bowling and i can’t tolerate being at that fucking place when i’m sober.  so i indulged.  and now i’m paying the price.  here’s a few ridiculous fucking pictures from last night:

me. and the wheez.

because normal pictures would be too easy.

oh, good news.  shitler is the champion of his fantasy football league.  

also, he got a trophy.

what’s that?  you don’t care?  ya, me either.

but i do like trophies.

and shoving them up people’s asses.

and apparently shitler and i can take a decent photo together:

you’ll have to excuse me.  i need more bayer advanced strength.  and another gallon of water.  if there were a contest for being the most dehydrated – i would win.

but today wasn’t all bad.  i remembered that i did hit the eight ball in to win a game of pool last night.  i only won because b was my partner and he got every other ball in.   i’m not even joking.

and then my friend the super fox sent me the best text in the world.  seriously.  it was this and only this:

but now i’m concerned.  does jeff have cancer?  and why is his hair like that?

also – i would post a picture of the super fox and me but i don’t have one.  and upon thinking about it – i don’t know if i do want one.  because she’s infinitely gorgeous and i am infinitely not.  

also – my hand smells.  that is all.

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An Afternoon With Jeff Goldblum


as a rule – i don’t make good use of my time.

please see below:

someone dial that number.

these last two are clearly my favorite:

next item on the agenda – did dinosaurs menstruate?

please stay tuned.

Raptor Jesus – They Say I’m A Dreamer. No, Wait, That’s Blasphemer.


so i was thinking about jeff goldblum the other day.  i’m not sure why.  it’s possible that i was talking about jurassic park and Lincoln was  probably telling me that i was a fucking weirdo.  in his defense, he’s probably right.  because i go on these fanatical kicks where i become wildly obsessive about something in particular.  a while back it was jurassic park.  it was great because for a month they showed all the movies on the movie channels.  but then they stopped.  which was horrible.  so i went to one of those used movie stores and bought all the jurassic park movies and then found all the x-men movies.  so i bought those too (who wouldn’t).

but back to the task at hand.  jeff goldblum.  i don’t recall why i was thinking about him but i was.  so i started googling.  and found this:

shirtless, lounging jeff goldblum. uh, ok?

shirtless jeff goldblum was heads above the rest  of the other jeff goldblum pictures. 
but then i found this:

raptor jeff goldblum.

it stirred something in me; resurrected my deep-seated love/fear of all things velociraptor.  in turn, it made me remember a movement that my friend bowser and i tried to join but it never panned out.

VELOCIRAPTOR AWARENESS DAY.

fun fact: december is national velociraptor awareness month.  don’t believe me? check it out.  and then there was this blog entryconcise and to the point.

what i’ve gleaned from my research is that december is awareness month but april 18th is the actual awareness day. 

so this means i have another addition to my things to do because i’m sober list (which hasn’t hit paper or this blog, but is just a bunch of jumbled up nonsense in my head).  and that’s partake in velociraptor awareness day.  i need to do some more research. 
but in the meantime – check these out:

this is totally true.

i’d like people to know that when i set out to write this post i had intended to focus on those final destination movies but i went the jeff goldblum direction instead, which then turned into raptors, which then morphed into raptor jesus and perhaps i’m now teetering on blasphemy. 

i’m not sure.

what i do know is that i want one of these: