Category Archives: nonsense

So Maybe We Could Band Together To Fight Crime. And By Crime I Mean The Fat In My Ass

so remember that one time i worked out all the time?
or that other time where i ate super healthy?
OR that insane time that i stopped drinking?

oh, and remember when i put them all together and did that crazy thing where i tried to basically live a not-so-toxic life?

well i fell off the wagon.  because now my life revolves around stuff like this:

drippy, ecto cooloer looking motherfucker

so i should probably do something about it.
and i should probably stop polishing off jars of pickles in my friend’s homes.
and maybe i should stop laying on the couch so much.
or eating 6 bomb pops in one sitting.
or thinking that i should use that terrible sugary lemonade from the local gas station as vodka mixer.
OR day-dreaming about carbs and starch all day.


i guess what i’m saying is that i need to stop being such a damn pile of garbage.

so here goes nothing.

PS. i thought this was funny.  but instead of water – maybe it’s vodka (which is the very thing that isn’t helping my fat ass).

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The Cock Came To Party

regardless of how cliche it is to have a giant inflatable cock at a bachlorette party – you can’t deny the joy it brings to everyone that encounters it.

go ahead – touch it.

parched cock.

and yes – the cock is an advocate of safe sex.
do you even know how many ladies he was with that night?

the cock makes everyone happy.

but unfortunately – the activities of the weekend will slowly begin to deflate any cock.

and i haven’t told shitler yet – but i would really like to get one for the living room.
you know – for a conversation.

like a great coffee table book.
only better.

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Food Porn Monday

so i was so hungry yesterday that i could have consumed anything that someone put in front of me.
but no one did.

so i didn’t eat anything.
and in conclusion – i want all of these:

grilled steak, avocado, and spicy crema sandwiches

via serious eats

mexican corn on the cob

via campbells kitchen

at home chick-fil-a sandwich

via serious eats

crazy confetti compost cookies

via how sweet eats

raspberry chipotle-glazed chicken wings

via eat, live, run

i can only imagine how much i would hurl if i ate all of this.

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High Five 4 Friday

i’m running out of clever ways to say “oh hey, it’s friday and it’s time for that link up.

soooooo it’s friday and it’s time for that link up.

1. it’s shark week.  which for me – means i can’t wait for fucking shark week to be over so i don’t have to hear people talk about it like they’ve always watched it when in reality we alllllll know you only started watching it after you saw step brothers.

2. i drank a bottle of champagne the other night.  this is the cap.

i don’t follow.  how do they i’m going to enjoy it?  


like smash the bottle and try to drink straight from it – jagged edges and all?  or are they referring to drinking and driving?  because i don’t do that.  i prefer drinking in the safety of my own home and not having to leave.  

champagne – you need to be more specific.

3.  at the risk of sounding like an obsessive freak i’m going to talk about invisible monsters again.  and it won’t be the last time either.  but i finished it.  and i bawled like a fucking baby.  because it is, by far, one of the most incredible books i have ever read.

4. this picture is pretty self-explanatory.  because if it doesn’t make your week you’re probably a fucking terrorist.

5. it’s this wise man’s 5th birthday.  hats off to you murphy lee.  you’re a gentleman and a scholar.

lastly, with the weekend upon us i’ve been thinking about the phrase “hot to trot.”  i don’t exactly know what it means but i assume that a lot of people will be drunkenly doing so this weekend.

so get out there with your hot to trot-ed-ness.

These Aren’t Even My Thoughts. But They’re Hilarious.

so i spend an unnatural amount of time on thought catalog.

please enjoy with me.

exit interview questions.  specifically numbers 3, 4, 7, 15, 16, 18, 19, & 24

tips if the apocalypse is this year.  specifically numbers 2, 6, 8, 12 & 15

things we put in our mouthsall of them.  but number 3 especially because they give me stomach pains.  but i still eat them.  because i’m an asshole.

doing whatever the hell you wantthis entire thing.  because i’m laughing so uncontrollably i’m practically choking.

18 things.  specifically numbers 1, 3, 10, & 15.

inappropriate ways to end conversations. everything.

lessons before you settle down.  this whole fucking thing.


Cut the Shit, Amazon


but seriously, amazon.

a little specificity would be nice.  

holy shit amazon.
fucking finally.

I Wasn’t Going to Do It. But Then I Ended Up Doing It. Begrudgingly, Of Course.

i’d like a breakdown from shitler of the different ways my 3%’er status can go up.  like does it go up a half percent if i actually do a load of laundry when i say will?  or maybe a whole percent if stop saying that i’ll clean my car like i’ve been saying for the last month?  because maybe i should actually get like a big bump in percentage for following through on major things.

so remember this?

well, i signed up for one.  and i ran almost every single day.  and then my gym closed for a week and i totally used that as an excuse to be an even lazier piece of shit than i normally am and didn’t run the entire week leading up to the race and instead just ate everything i looked at and laid on the couch.

so then it was the night before the race and shitler was heading out of town and he wished me good luck and i gave him a look.  and it must be my typical “i’m pretty positive i’m not going to follow through on what i said i’m going to dolook.  

because i was almost positive i was going to bail on it. why?

i didn’t feel ready.
i was convinced i was going to come in dead last.
i was beyond self-conscious.
i had never done one before.
i didn’t think i would make it through.
i hadn’t run on anything besides a treadmill for the last eight weeks.
i didn’t want to run it with anyone knew i knew because i would rather fail miserably in front of strangers.

and shitler was not happy.
because i was really living up to my 3%’er status.

but i woke up the next morning.
and decided – fuck it.

so i ran it.

and i’ll be honest.
the only enjoyment i took from this was when it was fucking over.

but i did it.
so i think i should get 2% for that.  because this was kind of major.

at least for me it was.

and just so we’re clear – i feel like i got hit by a mack truck.  shin splints, back ache, sore feet.

but eating an entire pizza the day after certainly helped.
and i might consider doing another one if it means i get an entire pizza to myself afterwards.

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High Five 4 Friday

so we’ve established that i make poor choices, correct?


like i was actually getting over a nasty stomach virus and instead of laying low and taking it easy on my stomach i ate nachos, tacos, and vodka last night.  and then some pizza for dessert.
for shame.

but it’s friday – and if that doesn’t cure what ails me then i don’t know what will.
as always i’m linking up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. b brought a cape back from the bar the other weekend.  so naturally shitler put it on.  now it’s like he’s a super hero.

2. some sick freak kept vandalizing my desk.  but the culprit came forward this week.  glory be!
also – it turns out i like the culprit.  so she’s forgiven.

3. i spend a lot of time on twitter.  mainly lol’ing @OhMrWonka

4. we’re back in business.  welcome home little boy booze!
yes, the name of our boat is little boy booze.  and yes, i’m aware that boats are supposed to be female.  and yes, i don’t care.

5. and maybe you’re a terrorist if you don’t collectively “awwwww” with me over this.  

trixie bitch

i have this nagging feeling that there isn’t enough coffee in the world to get me through today.
but we won’t know until i try.

and remember – the walrus sings at midnight.

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I’m Unimpressed With the Olympics Because I Could Win a Gold Medal in Laziness

a conversation shitler and i had a couple days ago.

me: i could literally not give any fucks about the olympics.

shitler: that’s because you don’t care about anything.

me: that’s not true.  i care about a lot of things.

shitler: like what?

me: vodka.  laying on this couch.  not wearing pants.  eating tacos.

shitler: ….**silence**

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People – Like the Movie. Only I’m Not Sure If It’s Like the Movie Because I’ve Never Seen It.

perusing my litany of photos on my phone brought me to the following conclusions.

perhaps i’d lose you as a friend and alienate you as a person because i want to decorate everything in this.

perhaps i’d lose you as a friend and alienate you as a person (shitler) because you realize that my bee trap that consists of leftover mike’s hard lemonade in a glass worked pretty well.

perhaps i’d lose you as a friend and alienate you as a person because i horde this guy all to myself.

perhaps you would lose me as a friend and alienate me as a person if you drove around in a car with this sticker on it.  
because you’re an idiot.  
and you should do your research.

perhaps you would lose me as a friend and alienate me as a person if you were like amazon and didn’t know geography.
and shipped books to me in this round-a-bout fucking way.

perhaps you might lose me as a friend and alienate me as a person IF YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO MY DESK.
but i don’t know who you are.
and i guess it’s kind of hilarious.