Category Archives: pussy

High Five 4 Friday


ok.

if you’re looking for a surefire way to get drunk please drink the following:

  • bota box of wine (it’s like a juice box.  only no juice.  only wine)
  • glass of rumchata
  • jager bomb
  • 2 glasses of boxed wine
  • shot of jager
  • a beer

so thank god it’s friday.  and i only have to work eight hours today.

here’s my link up for lauren’s high five 4 friday over at from my grey desk.

1. any glass of red wine.  seriously.

2. this cat.  because he might kill me.

3. 69’ing wedding bears at the $1 store.  they can’t help they like to fornicate in public.  and dabble in erotic asphyxiation.  

4. i have no words for my dog.  he is a fucking nut-bag.

5. ladies and gentleman – i have stuck with something for two.whole.weeks.  and oddly enough – it’s running.  which is the practically the worst thing in the world.  and if one more person asks me how awesome it is as i get used to it i will cram my fist down your throat.  because i hate it.  i hate every fucking minute of it.

so thank goodness it’s the weekend.  what’s on the docket?  more miserable running.  joy.

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Textual Feeling: Underpants Optional


if anyone wondered how long it took me to get to the gym from my place of employment, don’t worry, i timed myself today.  it takes me 3 1/3 “call me maybe” songs.

god, i love this song.

also, this happened today:

me: uhhh.  i got to work and realized i forgot to put on underwear.  so shitler has agreed to bring me a pair later.

b: what a sweetheart.  who forgets underwear?

me: sometimes i get confused in the morning.

b: it would appear so.

me: i just want some underpants before i go to the gym.  i’m worried i’ll chafe without them.

b: nobody likes chafing.

**five hours later**

me: i just got my underwear.

b: wow.  did he have to make it for you first?

me: i could only imagine if i got a pair he made.  it would be constructed out of some sort of burlap.

me: also, he pulled up in visitor parking which faces right into the conference room.  and instead of just handing me the underwear like a normal person he insisted on whipping them around in the air like some sort of lasso.  mind you – there was a meeting going on in the conference room at the time.  so i can only assume they were all privy to the show.

b: well, at least they had an entertaining meeting.

*

i picture this is how murphy lee would look reminding  me to put some damn underwear on in the morning:

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High Five 4 Friday


and shitler says i only do what i say i’m going to do 3% of the time.  

in.yo.face.

because this is my second try at this link-up over at from my grey desk and i think that makes me semi-successful.

so here they are:

1. this swing.  oh god, my swing.  where i will read.

2. i got my paws on the newest gillian flynn book.  for the love of everything in the entire world – go read every single book by her right now (which is just the three so it shouldn’t be too daunting of a task).

 

3. i have two more cantaloupes at home.  which i plan on massacring this weekend.
with my mouth.

4. how can you not love him?

5.  that my weekend will be filled with this:

catch you on the flip.

ghost ride the whip.

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Pussy Everywhere


because i can’t even stop posting pictures of pussy.

Because I Like When Shitler Pretends To Be Randy Orton


ever forget about the nonsensical pictures on your phone?

story.of. my life.

considering i have other 3,000 of them.  it’s a serious problem.

i re-discovered these gems today.

in which i think i’m a photographer.

this fucking dog and her sitting.

shitler looks bashful and b is far too excited about that yarn.

because i don’t know why jesus and the miz wouldn’t hang out.

i’ve become strangely obsessed with the apex predator.

totally. serious.

In Which I Admit That I Have A Problem


bear with me.  this is mostly for my own sanity.

i co-hosted a jewelry party with G last night. 

people bought a lot (and for that, i thank you) and as a result i will be getting a shitload of free jewelry.
so it prompted me to come home and perhaps organize the shit i already had.

turns out that was a mistake.  because what i discovered was horrific.

in a gigantic case.

in some sort of container that i even forgot i had.

hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom.

on the counter.

in some random basket.

rings.

and apparently i have an aviary section.

because keeping earrings in a shot glass seems totally normal.

this post is pointless.  and ridiculous.  and makes me look like a jewelry hoarder.

 

which apparently i am.

I Peed


because these three things made me constantly lol today:

who doesn't love a good palindrome?

only one of those claims is true.

i'd never turn down a taco.

ok, 4 things.  because this came in the mail:

now i'm just impatiently waiting for the goddamn book.

i just want her book in my paws.

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Don’t Be Alarmed If I Eat This Baby


seriously.  if undeniable cuteness makes you nauseous.  if adorable, tiny babies don’t warm your dead heart – then something is seriously fucking wrong with you and you should probably not scroll through the pictures of the womb creature that my friend just popped out of her vag.

this baby is so goddamned cute it took everything in me not to devour her whole.  

she is simply delicious.  and if i could – i would have huffed her baby smell all fucking day (which always confuses me how they smell so good.  considering they’ve been in that sac of gross fluid for nine months and came through a bloody canal).

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR ALL THAT IS CUTE.

yes – that explosion of cuteness just fucking happened.

mamma and sommer elizabeth

but that’s how they get you.  they’re all sweet and quiet and then they drop loads of shit in their diaper and the vomiting and the crying and not being able to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it because now you’re actually responsible for another person’s life.

so i just have him:

all mange, all the time.

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I Wish I Hated Twilight As Much As People Hate Michael Vick


have you ever run into the store to grab like ONE item so you bypass the basket thing but then end up buying a ridiculous arm-full of shit that you don’t need and have to juggle the seventeen items (which probably include some glass things) till you get to the register?

ugh.  it’s the worst.  considering that i have the attention span of a squirrel (terribly cliche, i know) and if anything is between one and two dollars i will automatically buy it, this happens quite often.

sidenote – the dingos are battling while i write this and i can’t help but feel that perhaps this is how michael vick felt.  except i don’t have money on this.  but if i did – it would be on murphy and if i had to kill one it would totally be mac.

but back to the task at hand.  i worked for like, 12 hours today, and then had to stop and get food for the dingos.  i made the mistake of going to walmart and bought nothing that i absolutely needed (besides the dog food) and still managed to only spend $19.

i bought the following:

  • vodka
  • wolfgang puck pasta sauce
  • white grape juice
  • some sort of tiny thing of juice.  seriously, it’s a tiny gallon-esque jug and i’m in love with it
  • dog food
  • a cat toy

check my shit out:

i would probably eat it straight from the jar with a spoon.

you know it's premium when it's $4 and it's in plastic.

i got the toy. not the cat.

they're best friends.

fun fact: that tiny thing of juice is perfect for chasing shots in the event that you’re too lazy to pour the juice into a glass.

i had a similar shopping experience at target a few days ago.  i noticed the cashier guy giving me odd looks (and not looks like he was hitting on because that never happens) and it wasn’t until i got to my car that it dawned on me why. 

i had bought the following:

  • a double pack of body wash
  • razors
  • twilight returns or breaking dawn (whichever you prefer to call it)
  • two giant boxes of tampons
  • cat food

i’m pathetic.

in completely unrelated news.  my idiot dingo dog…this one:

EATS TAMPONS.  USED TAMPONS.  perhaps that’s a little more than you need to know but i feel as though other people besides shitler and myself need to experience this fucking disgusting nonsense.  because he eats them, they don’t fully digest, and then he throws them up. 

so naturally, i googled why.

1. dogs are predators and opportunistic scavengers.  the smell of blood sends them into a frenzy and they must pursue it

2. the smell of a used tampon is identical to that of any female in heat and they will do anything to get to it

my dog is a fucking freak.  i don’t know how anyone else thinks but after googling that used tampons remind weirdo dogs of females in heat i can’t even look at mac. 

it’s like he has some sort of oedipus complex.  i’m gonna puke.

also – shitler is, i’m not kidding you, taking a shit right and talking to big tony about fantasy baseball, and it fucking stinks.

with that – i’m done.

yarn cat.

ok now i’m done.

I. AM. SHITLER.


the beast has awakened.

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