Category Archives: shitler

I Wasn’t Going to Do It. But Then I Ended Up Doing It. Begrudgingly, Of Course.


i’d like a breakdown from shitler of the different ways my 3%’er status can go up.  like does it go up a half percent if i actually do a load of laundry when i say will?  or maybe a whole percent if stop saying that i’ll clean my car like i’ve been saying for the last month?  because maybe i should actually get like a big bump in percentage for following through on major things.

so remember this?

well, i signed up for one.  and i ran almost every single day.  and then my gym closed for a week and i totally used that as an excuse to be an even lazier piece of shit than i normally am and didn’t run the entire week leading up to the race and instead just ate everything i looked at and laid on the couch.

so then it was the night before the race and shitler was heading out of town and he wished me good luck and i gave him a look.  and it must be my typical “i’m pretty positive i’m not going to follow through on what i said i’m going to dolook.  

because i was almost positive i was going to bail on it. why?

i didn’t feel ready.
i was convinced i was going to come in dead last.
i was beyond self-conscious.
i had never done one before.
i didn’t think i would make it through.
i hadn’t run on anything besides a treadmill for the last eight weeks.
i didn’t want to run it with anyone knew i knew because i would rather fail miserably in front of strangers.

and shitler was not happy.
because i was really living up to my 3%’er status.

but i woke up the next morning.
and decided – fuck it.

so i ran it.

and i’ll be honest.
the only enjoyment i took from this was when it was fucking over.

but i did it.
so i think i should get 2% for that.  because this was kind of major.

at least for me it was.

and just so we’re clear – i feel like i got hit by a mack truck.  shin splints, back ache, sore feet.

but eating an entire pizza the day after certainly helped.
and i might consider doing another one if it means i get an entire pizza to myself afterwards.

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High Five 4 Friday


so we’ve established that i make poor choices, correct?

correct.

like i was actually getting over a nasty stomach virus and instead of laying low and taking it easy on my stomach i ate nachos, tacos, and vodka last night.  and then some pizza for dessert.
for shame.

but it’s friday – and if that doesn’t cure what ails me then i don’t know what will.
as always i’m linking up with lauren at from my grey desk.

1. b brought a cape back from the bar the other weekend.  so naturally shitler put it on.  now it’s like he’s a super hero.
 barely.

2. some sick freak kept vandalizing my desk.  but the culprit came forward this week.  glory be!
also – it turns out i like the culprit.  so she’s forgiven.

3. i spend a lot of time on twitter.  mainly lol’ing @OhMrWonka

4. we’re back in business.  welcome home little boy booze!
yes, the name of our boat is little boy booze.  and yes, i’m aware that boats are supposed to be female.  and yes, i don’t care.

5. and maybe you’re a terrorist if you don’t collectively “awwwww” with me over this.  

trixie bitch

i have this nagging feeling that there isn’t enough coffee in the world to get me through today.
but we won’t know until i try.

and remember – the walrus sings at midnight.

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I’m Unimpressed With the Olympics Because I Could Win a Gold Medal in Laziness


a conversation shitler and i had a couple days ago.

me: oh.my.god. i could literally not give any fucks about the olympics.

shitler: that’s because you don’t care about anything.

me: that’s not true.  i care about a lot of things.

shitler: like what?

me: vodka.  laying on this couch.  not wearing pants.  eating tacos.

shitler: ….**silence**

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People – Like the Movie. Only I’m Not Sure If It’s Like the Movie Because I’ve Never Seen It.


perusing my litany of photos on my phone brought me to the following conclusions.

perhaps i’d lose you as a friend and alienate you as a person because i want to decorate everything in this.

perhaps i’d lose you as a friend and alienate you as a person (shitler) because you realize that my bee trap that consists of leftover mike’s hard lemonade in a glass worked pretty well.

perhaps i’d lose you as a friend and alienate you as a person because i horde this guy all to myself.

perhaps you would lose me as a friend and alienate me as a person if you drove around in a car with this sticker on it.  
because you’re an idiot.  
and you should do your research.

perhaps you would lose me as a friend and alienate me as a person if you were like amazon and didn’t know geography.
and shipped books to me in this round-a-bout fucking way.

perhaps you might lose me as a friend and alienate me as a person IF YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO MY DESK.
but i don’t know who you are.
and i guess it’s kind of hilarious.

 

perhaps.

Boats and Hoes: Installment 1: The Tame Version


i’m going to be honest about the tie-up.

it’s a shit show.  
a goddamn shit show.

and one year that i went – i almost died.  
not even kidding.

i may have been a tiny bit wasted while treading water when a large man canon-balled on top of me causing me to crack my skull on the underside of the boat. where i may have blacked out.  and then was hoisted out of the water by some nice gentlemen while a group of gawking fellow drunks looked on hoping that i didn’t drown.  and then i collapsed back at the house and ate shit into a pile of rocks.  i was battered and bruised.

but this year i vowed that it would be different.  that i would redeem myself.  and i’d like to think that i did.
but in an effort to string you along – i’m just submitting some subdued photos and a video.

because tomorrow’s post has got the good shit.  like thongs, and packages, and hot chicks, and gratuitous water sex.

you’re welcome.

and may i just preface this video with the fact that it was only noon at this point and got progressively worse and worse.

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High Five 4 Friday


whose hollering with me?  hollering about friday, i mean.

let’s do it together.

holler.

i’m linking up with lauren over at from my grey desk.

 

1. just saw this movie this week.  and i’m officially in love.  one of the best i’ve seen in awhile.  i think about it for the better part of my days.  and how i’d rather be parked on the couch watching it.

2. oh my god.  she kills me.  and i don’t care what anyone says.  she looks like a tan falcor.  and if you don’t know who falcor is or where it’s from – you can go fuck off.

3.  i’m going to say this and you’re probably going to judge me.  but it was the 1,000th episode of monday night raw this week.  and i watched it.  and i enjoyed it.  and i coveted jericho’s jacket like i do every time i see it.

 

4. the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.the tie-up.  i’m sure that will be a separate post entirely.  because the tie-up is filled with booze, boats, and boobs.  and it’s this weekend.  and i’m so happy.  and i’m going to really try hard to not almost die this time around.

 

5. and with the tie-up happening this weekend it brings shiter’s boyfriends to town.  

3 guys. 1 raft.

 

 

it’s the weekend.
like missy elliot said
get your freak on.

 

 

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In Which Bacon Brings Shitler to Justice Via a Bird


i like to tell myself that i’m pretty bad ass.  and by bad ass i mean let’s bake cupcakes on a friday night.

i know, bad ass right?

so i did.  i made cupcakes.  the champagne ones.  and it was mainly like one bottle of champagne for the cupcakes and one bottle for me.

and then i started thinking about bacon and about how much i loved it.  and then i found myself frying a pound of bacon at 8PM on friday.  and then thinking about all the ways i could add them to my cupcakes.  and then shitler started being a real douche about bacon.  going so far as to claim that it’s the least flavorful of all the breakfast foods.  so i decided to just go for it and make the bacon cupcakes and make shitler eat crow when everyone that i made eat them loved them.

 

 

yes.  it happened.  and it was glorious.
except shitler still wouldn’t try one because he said that he refused to become part of the fad that dictates that “bacon makes everything better (we all know it’s not a fad.  it’s a fucking fact).”
even when everyone that tried one loved them.
and that the bacon cupcakes got snapped up quicker than the regular  ones.  

so still, we are at odds over the merits of bacon.  and i couldn’t help but think that he really need to be brought down a peg or four.

and then it happened.  the very next day.  like i’m talking karma gift-wrapped a present for me and the card that went along with it read “this is for all the abuse you and bacon have had to suffer at the hands of shitler.”

 

 

yes.
a bird shit on shitler.
and then all was right in the world.
because it doesn’t really get much better than that.

oh, it does.  because shitler hosed off the bird shit like this:

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The Day The Super Fox Attempted to Destroy Everything Shitler Loves


which is three things.

and none of them include me.

1. his stupid grill that he doesn’t shut up about.

2. his ice shanty.
relax – that gas can is empty.

3. his tomato plants that he seriously won’t shut the fuck up about.

side note – the super fox kept saying that when i took these pictures she was peeing on shitler’s tomato plants.
and i must say, that if that’s the case, then i’m concerned with her method of relieving herself.
and that it might trickle down her leg. 

The Super Fox and Shitler Show


so i wrote these early this morning.
at like 5AM.
because apparently drinking last night caused me to be up and at ’em at a disgustingly early time.

so it’s a second installment (here’s the first).
of my tuesday night. 
when the super fox asked shitler if she could squirt a lemon in his eye.

and he said yes.

and then an hour later he snorted salt.

yup, he’s all mine.

Hairy Cleavage Comparison.


so this happened last night.
mind you it was a tuesday.

i may or may not have suggested that shitler and the super fox compare cleavage.
you know.
to see whose is the hairiest. 

you decide.

 

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