Tag Archives: food

So Maybe We Could Band Together To Fight Crime. And By Crime I Mean The Fat In My Ass

so remember that one time i worked out all the time?
or that other time where i ate super healthy?
OR that insane time that i stopped drinking?

oh, and remember when i put them all together and did that crazy thing where i tried to basically live a not-so-toxic life?

well i fell off the wagon.  because now my life revolves around stuff like this:

drippy, ecto cooloer looking motherfucker

so i should probably do something about it.
and i should probably stop polishing off jars of pickles in my friend’s homes.
and maybe i should stop laying on the couch so much.
or eating 6 bomb pops in one sitting.
or thinking that i should use that terrible sugary lemonade from the local gas station as vodka mixer.
OR day-dreaming about carbs and starch all day.


i guess what i’m saying is that i need to stop being such a damn pile of garbage.

so here goes nothing.

PS. i thought this was funny.  but instead of water – maybe it’s vodka (which is the very thing that isn’t helping my fat ass).

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Food Porn Monday

so i was so hungry yesterday that i could have consumed anything that someone put in front of me.
but no one did.

so i didn’t eat anything.
and in conclusion – i want all of these:

grilled steak, avocado, and spicy crema sandwiches

via serious eats

mexican corn on the cob

via campbells kitchen

at home chick-fil-a sandwich

via serious eats

crazy confetti compost cookies

via how sweet eats

raspberry chipotle-glazed chicken wings

via eat, live, run

i can only imagine how much i would hurl if i ate all of this.

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In Which Bacon Brings Shitler to Justice Via a Bird

i like to tell myself that i’m pretty bad ass.  and by bad ass i mean let’s bake cupcakes on a friday night.

i know, bad ass right?

so i did.  i made cupcakes.  the champagne ones.  and it was mainly like one bottle of champagne for the cupcakes and one bottle for me.

and then i started thinking about bacon and about how much i loved it.  and then i found myself frying a pound of bacon at 8PM on friday.  and then thinking about all the ways i could add them to my cupcakes.  and then shitler started being a real douche about bacon.  going so far as to claim that it’s the least flavorful of all the breakfast foods.  so i decided to just go for it and make the bacon cupcakes and make shitler eat crow when everyone that i made eat them loved them.



yes.  it happened.  and it was glorious.
except shitler still wouldn’t try one because he said that he refused to become part of the fad that dictates that “bacon makes everything better (we all know it’s not a fad.  it’s a fucking fact).”
even when everyone that tried one loved them.
and that the bacon cupcakes got snapped up quicker than the regular  ones.  

so still, we are at odds over the merits of bacon.  and i couldn’t help but think that he really need to be brought down a peg or four.

and then it happened.  the very next day.  like i’m talking karma gift-wrapped a present for me and the card that went along with it read “this is for all the abuse you and bacon have had to suffer at the hands of shitler.”



a bird shit on shitler.
and then all was right in the world.
because it doesn’t really get much better than that.

oh, it does.  because shitler hosed off the bird shit like this:

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Food Porn Monday

sweet lord.

i’m cashing this.
because i deserve it.

but more importantly.  i wish i had all of these.

the other thing

via serious eats

miami chicken salad sandwich

via campbells

kung pao chicken

via serious eats

bourbon s’mores w/bacon

via how sweet it is

beer cheese stuffed pretzel

via betty crocker

and now i’m going to go eat a corn dog.

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Food Porn Monday

so i’ve been thinking a lot about meat lately.

and this is the result.

fennel-rubbed pork shoulder with salsa verde

via serious eats

i could cry.

bbq pulled pork cupcake

via serious eats

spicy bEERbacoa tacos

via betty crocker

prosciutto-pineapple and pesto paninis

via gimme some oven

grilled hot dogs with sauerkraut

via serious eats

if you can’t already tell – i have a serious obsession with serious eats.  like i’m on it every single day.  and there’s drool all over my keyboard.

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High Five 4 Friday

thankfully it’s friday.  again.  for like the second time this week.  and it’s both confusing and exhausting.

but that means it’s also link-up time with lauren over at from my grey desk.

tiger, tiger woods ya’all.

1. i could eat these for breakfast, lunch, and fucking dinner.

2. oh god.  and then these.  blueberry cheesecake bars with blueberry compote.

3.  because a gun mug is worth mentioning twice.  because it’s a fucking GUN MUG.

4.  i don’t mind enjoying this every night.

5.  he’s all mine ladies.

i’d like to say that i won’t imbibe this weekend but we all know that’s a lie.


Food Porn Monday

for the love of pete.  
i want all of these.  

with a side of extra carbs.

grilled salt and vinegar potatoes

via serious eats

banana cream squares

via betty crocker

hawaiian style hot dogs

via a spicy perspective

salsa guacamole

via betty crocker

super duper

via serious eats

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Textual Feeling: Heat Stroke

hello world.

i’d like to announce that i’ve decided to compulsively bake this weekend.  so that means no one better bother me.  
or i will fucking shank you with a whisk.  
a wire one.  
after i have severed some of the little whisky things so they’re pointy and sharp.

and i’m going to listen to zeppelin and elp on a constant loop throughout this bake-off with myself and it’s going to be tremendous.

and in all seriousness – i was going another direction with this post and then i had this conversation with b.  and it instantly became my favorite thing in the entire world.

b: you’d be amazed how quickly this heat takes effect on the testicles.

me:  i’ll do you one better.  imagine a sweaty, smelly vagina after an hour of intense cardio and then getting into a sweltering hot car that has no air conditioning and driving home.

b: your vagina doesn’t cling to your thigh and begin acting like a creepy wall crawler.

me: you don’t know that.

b: that’s true.  i’m just taking a shot in the dark.

me: thank you.  i appreciate you not making assumptions about my vagina.

b: come on, we all know it’s smelly and warn out.  kind of like a drained, inflatable pool.

me: i will neither confirm nor deny.

now go forth and discuss the intense heat and the damage it causes to your genitals.

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Food Porn Monday

i mainly ate bacon yesterday and then stared at pictures of food all day.  and then thought about putting bacon in blueberry muffins.  and then maybe putting bacon in some meatloaf.  but then when i looked over at the plate of bacon i realized that it had all been eaten.  so i went back to staring at pictures of other food.

like these:

grilled bbq chicken bacon skewers

via betty crocker

chilled summer squash soup with yogurt, mint, and sourdough croutons

via serious eats

texas tommy

via serious eats

carrot cake cookies

via serious eats

grilled pesto and goat cheese pizza

via eat, live, run

all i have left to eat is yogurt.  

how uninspired.

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Vodka Always Wins

i battled a bottle of vodka last night.

and lost.

and now i’m just holed up upstairs sweating my ass off because the air conditioning doesn’t work very well and i just want to watch five hours of dance moms and be left alone.
i don’t care how nice out it is.

but look what i made:


and it’s quite possibly the best thing i’ve ever done.  or eaten.

plus it speaks to my lazy heart.  because there’s three ingredients.  and then you put in the microwave, warm it up, and cram it in your mouth.

so in case you would like to indulge this is all you’ll need:

  • two 14 ounce cans of artichoke hearts (in water, drained)
  • a brick of mozzarella cheese, shredded
  • a cup of light mayo

throw it all in a bowl and heat it up in the microwave for five minutes.  dip whatever the fuck you want in it.

and it is good.  shitler even ate it.

look at that serial killer face on the left.

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