Tag Archives: health

So Maybe We Could Band Together To Fight Crime. And By Crime I Mean The Fat In My Ass


so remember that one time i worked out all the time?
or that other time where i ate super healthy?
OR that insane time that i stopped drinking?

oh, and remember when i put them all together and did that crazy thing where i tried to basically live a not-so-toxic life?

well i fell off the wagon.  because now my life revolves around stuff like this:

drippy, ecto cooloer looking motherfucker

so i should probably do something about it.
and i should probably stop polishing off jars of pickles in my friend’s homes.
and maybe i should stop laying on the couch so much.
or eating 6 bomb pops in one sitting.
or thinking that i should use that terrible sugary lemonade from the local gas station as vodka mixer.
OR day-dreaming about carbs and starch all day.

 

i guess what i’m saying is that i need to stop being such a damn pile of garbage.

so here goes nothing.
again.

PS. i thought this was funny.  but instead of water – maybe it’s vodka (which is the very thing that isn’t helping my fat ass).

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I Wasn’t Going to Do It. But Then I Ended Up Doing It. Begrudgingly, Of Course.


i’d like a breakdown from shitler of the different ways my 3%’er status can go up.  like does it go up a half percent if i actually do a load of laundry when i say will?  or maybe a whole percent if stop saying that i’ll clean my car like i’ve been saying for the last month?  because maybe i should actually get like a big bump in percentage for following through on major things.

so remember this?

well, i signed up for one.  and i ran almost every single day.  and then my gym closed for a week and i totally used that as an excuse to be an even lazier piece of shit than i normally am and didn’t run the entire week leading up to the race and instead just ate everything i looked at and laid on the couch.

so then it was the night before the race and shitler was heading out of town and he wished me good luck and i gave him a look.  and it must be my typical “i’m pretty positive i’m not going to follow through on what i said i’m going to dolook.  

because i was almost positive i was going to bail on it. why?

i didn’t feel ready.
i was convinced i was going to come in dead last.
i was beyond self-conscious.
i had never done one before.
i didn’t think i would make it through.
i hadn’t run on anything besides a treadmill for the last eight weeks.
i didn’t want to run it with anyone knew i knew because i would rather fail miserably in front of strangers.

and shitler was not happy.
because i was really living up to my 3%’er status.

but i woke up the next morning.
and decided – fuck it.

so i ran it.

and i’ll be honest.
the only enjoyment i took from this was when it was fucking over.

but i did it.
so i think i should get 2% for that.  because this was kind of major.

at least for me it was.

and just so we’re clear – i feel like i got hit by a mack truck.  shin splints, back ache, sore feet.

but eating an entire pizza the day after certainly helped.
and i might consider doing another one if it means i get an entire pizza to myself afterwards.

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Because I’m Determined To Be A 4%’er


i’m going to train for a 5K.

i know that sounds like an odd thing to say.  like why wouldn’t you say, “i’m going to run a 5K so i have to train for it.”  but i’m not going to over-commit myself and then perhaps not actually run a 5K.  so i’m going to stick with the training part so not actually doing the 5K isn’t such a crushing blow.

but here’s to hoping that i follow through with this.  because it would be a real fuck-you to shitler.  except i fear that i’ll keep this up for like two weeks but then i’ll quit and then shitler might read this during the third week and he’ll be like “see, 3%.”

here are my shoes:

come to think of it – i’m not sure if they’re actually good for running.  but i like the bright colors.  so here’s hoping my shins survive the fact that i buy things based on color schemes.

and also, my first two training days have consisted of 25 minutes alternating between walking and running and for both of those runs i’ve listened to nothing but the following on a constant loop:

i’m just a soul survivor.  leave me alone.

if you have 5K training suggestions – by all means, give them to me.

but in the mean time i have two things to say:

1. i’ve reach the first part in gillian flynn’s newest book that makes you go “what.thefuck?”

2. i watched an especially fucking awesome episode of game of thrones last night.  the one where the blonde chick eats a horse heart and she does it all crazy, cannibal style and there’s blood running down her chin and chest and you think she’s going to upchuck it all but she doesn’t therefore proving she’s insanely amazing.

i think that’s what’s missing with a lot of other shows on television right now.  not enough horse heart chow down sessions.

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