Tag Archives: vacation

The Chain ‘O Lakes Made Me Its Bitch


sweet lord.

ever have one of those weekends where you require at least 48 hours in bed to recover?  or the phrase “i’m too old for this shit” comes to mind?  or it dawns on you that you’re a loser compared to shitler’s aunt and uncle – who are quite possibly the coolest people ever.  i mean – the type of people that know everyone and party harder than anyone i’ve ever met.  it’s incredible.

i don’t know how else to describe the events other then it included boats, water, booze, shitler licking men’s faces, jack russell terriers, zero recovery time, tan lines like a motherfucker, more booze, bands, crazy bachelorette parties, booze, etc.

i can’t do it justice in words – so bear with me as i inundate you with photos.

and then there’s this picture.  which is pretty much my favorite.  because i don’t know what’s going on.  and i can’t even imagine what the caption should be.

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I Can’t Stop YOLO’ing


in all seriousness – i’m just not equipped to do anything other than lay on my couch all weekend.

i’m not even exaggerating.   if i leave my house i end up doing something terrible to my liver.  if people come to my house i end  up doing something terrible to my liver.  it’s best for all involved if i hole up in the living room and watch television shows that shitler judges me for watching and not communicate with anyone.

and this weekend was no different.  it involved copious amounts of alcohol, reading the second and third fifty shades of grey books (again) in less than 48 hours, and letting people write “YOLO” on me.  

i’m really not good at learning lessons.

here’s a photo recap.  enjoy or destroy.

and i know that people are annoyed with that damn “YOLO” expression, but it’s really the best possible thing to respond to anything with.  seriously.

you really shouldn’t drink that second bottle of wine.  it’s tuesday.  “YOLO.”

is that pizza on your diet?  “YOLO.”

you have to go to work today.  “YOLO.”

you skipped the gym again?  “YOLO.”

you’re honestly putting bacon on that?  “YOLO.”

have you done anything today besides lay on the couch and watch game of thrones?  “YOLO.”

you honestly bought a gun mug?  “YOLO.”

are you going to put pants on today?  “YOLO.”

do you ever do anything?  “YOLO.

i’m aware that all those things sound like something shitler would say to me.
or has said to me.  

i will neither confirm nor deny.

YOLO.

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Thank God I’m Not Such a Bad Person That Dexter Would Kill Me. But Then I Worry That Kevin Spacey From Seven Might Murder/Punish Me Because of My Sloth-Like Tendencies.


shitler was out of town this weekend.

and i did nothing.

and then when he got home.  we did more nothing.  typical.

wait.  i lied.  

we did accomplish something (and i use that term loosely).  because if you can count watching nine straight hours of dexter and polishing off a bottle of wine as accomplishing something then i guess i wasn’t a complete piece of shit.  AND, i wasn’t even drunk after i consumed the bottle.  which worried me because i thought perhaps i got a faulty bottle.  but i just decided to chalk this one up for the good guys.  and by good guys i mean me.  and by chalking one up i mean that i drank the whole bottle, didn’t get drunk and didn’t feel like a bag of dicks this morning.

i also managed to eat an abnormal amount of sauerkraut and polish off the apple struesel cheesecake dessert i made last week.

also, mac is a huge mos def fan.  imagine how pleasantly surprised he was to find him pop up on dexter.

but then the religious act got old and mac was all “hey dexter, less forgiving, more killing.”

and in the spirit of dexter and knives i found this to be kind of interesting.

if someone can tell me why there’s a section in the office supplies catalog at the workplace that features knives – i’d greatly appreciate it.

i might place an order today.

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here’s my problem.  i’m generally a very lazy person (just ask shitler).  my laziness includes cleaning, laundry, being productive and also caring about arguments or other people’s opinions.  

this post started out being about some knobs on facebook that pissed me off last night.  but then my hangover and laziness (see, i told you) got the better of me

here’s the link in case you actually want to read it the article that they posted and then insulted my state with.

but more importantly – my day can be summed up in three pictures:

god i love pickles.

—–

me:  i don’t want to work ever again.  i just want to blog all day.

b: i could read your blog all day then.  what a team.

me: we’d both be living the dream.

b: yep, while being judged by shitler.

me: we’d have vodka.  so we’d be good.

b: what a stellar business plan you’ve come up with.

me: there won’t be many expenses.  just vodka and food.

b: exactly.  very little overhead.  we could survive on vodka and pizza rolls.

so in all seriousness, if you’re vodka, call me.

also, i forgot about my finger and ran my fingers through my hair.  which resulted in getting strands of hair caught in the flap of skin that’s hanging loose from my finger.

and now i have blood in my hair.

Textual Feeling: I Wish Vodka Was My Sponsor

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